Working Christmas

Nothing quite gives you a kick in the stomach like working Christmas! Festive cheer in the form of women screaming in labour, with tinsel getting in your way and everyone hoping for the elusive "Christmas baby", coming in second to "New Year's baby"!

I hate Christmas so it's fine, but I'd rather be at home watching TV.





These last 2 weeks...

Apologies for the lack in blog posts, but life has just gotten carried away!

Anyway...this is what I've been up to...

...I managed to hand write and post 50 Christmas cards. Organised me 1 : chaotic life 0

...my colleague got TB and now we all have to work extra shifts :(

...I had a catch up dinner with Lulu from Berry Diaries. She is just amazing and so inspiring!

...I felt somber, sad and empty, dealing with Mandela's death. The Boyf and I went to watch the funeral on the big screen in town,it was amazing to see all kinds of different people there, and laying down my flowers with everyone else's is a moment I will never forget.

...went to work numerous times with chipped nail polish (a big no no for me), went to work without lunch and even went to work without shoes. Chaotic life 1 : me 1

...went to a wedding on the beach.

Hope you life hasn't been too chaotic!





It has taken me a long time to think about what I want to write in this post.

I have never had a death in the family, at least not someone close, nor have I ever lost a friend. It blows my mind to think of how deeply I have been affected by Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela's passing, someone I have not even had the priviledge of meeting.

Unfortunately work has prevented me from watching many of the ceremonies, or attending any events. I was at work last Thursday night, when news hit of Mandela's death. I was speechless and in shock. I could not even cry, especially because there were patients waiting to be seen. I YouTubed Jacob Zuma's announcemet when I could get a break. I had the radio tuned in to yesterday's memorial service, straining to hear and be a part of the biggest thing this country has faced in decades. As The National Anthem was sung, I was finally overcome with emotion, and the tears flowed. Driving home yesterday, someone phoned into 5FM and started crying and I was blubbering right along with her. I can't even remember what she said, but it just hit home, that we have lost the greatest man that any of us will even get a chance to walk this earth with.

For me it is even a priviledge to have been alive in the time of Mandela. I feel honoured to have experienced a part of his legacy, listened to his speeches and even heard him chuckle.

I heard this clip yesterday and it made me smile...

All I can take away from this momentous period, is that if I could even have a millionth of the humility, love and forgiveness that Mandela had, I will make a difference in this world.

I am going to try to live each day as WWMD (What Would Mandela Do).


And my favourite pics of the week...

RIP Mandela




The crazies out there

I have been SO busy lately, apologies for the lack in posts.

This morning I was listening to Gareth Cliff talk about this woman in Australia who knits with her vagina. Initially I thought she actually knitted with her vagina, but she just "stores" the wool there and yanks it out as she knits. Strange thing to one day ask, "I wonder if I can stick a yarn of wool in my vajayjay and knit with it." The Ping Pong exhibitionists in Bangkok are certainly not getting a run for their money out of this Aussie. I have personally seen someone keep an egg inside them for an entire show only to end with a clench that releases a yolk...

I think she just wanted people to not fear The Vulva, as she aptly puts it. How about just getting a Brazilian and some sexy lingerie? Not sure who would want to wear that scarf she's knitting, especially the "period" section, but hey, each to their own!




This week I...

...met the most wonderful patient. She was going to die. But she had the most amazing spirit.

...in true Jersey shore style, spent my weekend doing GTL (gym, tan, laundry)

...watched the new Kimye music video. What. The. Fuck. Worst song. Worst porn movie. Basically a motorbike in front of a green screen. Watch it here.

...had a sick puppy on my hands, who needed to be admitted for IV fluids. Bless

...watched the latest ANN7 fuck up. At least 5 times. Hilarious.

 (Tourette's coupled with hand turning a dial. Classic.)

What did you get up to?





I realised that I am NEVER going to stop being surprised at how stupid some people are.

Little Miss Medic: So what was the reson for your previous caesarean section?

Miss Pregnant: I was pregnant.

LMM: Yes, I gathered that. But why did you have a caesar?

MP: I was giving birth.

LMM: But WHY did you have the operation? They don't just do caesars on everyone. Was there something wrong with the baby? Were you in labour too long? Anything?

MP:  Oh. I think the baby made a poop inside of me.

*this is a very common answer, not shitting you*




Weddings, babies and extreme sports

That is all that one is plagued with on Facebook these days. Weddings, 5 million status updates on little Johnny's bowel habits, or the cray-crays that are trail running, swimming across islands or doing ironman.

Unfortunately I don't fall into either of these categories. Not married, no children and generally a lazy slob.

But the absolute worst people, are the ones who post cryptic stuff just waiting for someone to ask them more about it.

"Feeling so sad today :("

Friend: Why

"Don't wanna talk about it!"

Tip: take a razor, slash those wrists. Would make us all a helluva lot happier!

This Huffington post pretty much sums it up perfectly!




This Last Week...

...I got bitten by some nasty bugs in the on-call room

...had almost an entire gluten free week, yay me! Yay my tummy!

...celebrated a good friend's bday with a few too many G&Ts

...got even more hooked on the latest X-factor

...went to Kamers Vol Geskenke

...saw a patient who had been pregnant 18 times! All of them miscarriages

...realized cats are taking over the world (see number 8)

Have a great week and carpe scrotum (grab life by the balls)





Definition: to give female genitals a sparkly makeover with crystals, so as to enhance their appearance.

Note: don't read this if you are a ninny!

I thought vajazzling would not have lasted post-2010. Unfortunately it has. What a fucking stupid idea. Sticking/glueing/bonding gem like gadgets onto your parts!

Firstly, it involves meticulous grooming, which most people don't have time for, otherwise it will be like The Hunt For The Red Sparkle amidst the Amazon jungle.

Secondly, anything that involves attaching things onto your sensitive areas with a form of glue, sounds like a funny story for the casualty doctor who sees you once you can't get them off, or have second degree burns on your flower.

Thirdly. How can this be at all attractive to a male. It's sparkly for exactly 0.02 nanoseconds and then it just becomes something that causes a friction rub.


That being said, a patient with a vajazzle, would sure beat someone with warts, an offensive discharge or the good old clap.




This Week

...was a week from hell

...I spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday recovering from the most amazing wedding, where I ended the evening by vomming all over myself and The Boyf  *awesome*

...I had a serious case of losers *see above line*

...I am meeting up with my bestie from Zim, a friend from NZ and one from London, at a wedding in White River

...one of my best friend's is having her baby YAY!

...I watched this

...I realised how much I love Homeland.

...I tried to catch up on sleep

...paid someone to do a shift for me *poor face*

What did you do?




Retarded Patients

I haven't seen a retarded patient for a while now. And by retarded, I don't mean mentally challenged, I mean buttfuck stupid!

Little Miss Medic: Hello, Retarded Pregnant Lady, how are you today?

Retarded Pregnant Lady: I am fine thank you.

LMM: So now that you are 36 weeks pregnant, it is routine to do a vaginal swab.

RPL: A what?

LMM: A high vaginal swab, to check for any infections that may be problematic during delivery. So I just need to take a quick swab and then we're done.

RPL: In MY vagina?

LMM: Well certainly not in MY vagina!






I've got jokes, Mr Jokey

Little Miss Medic: Are you sexually active?

Mrs Plank: No. But my husband is?

LMM: I don't follow. Your husband is having an affair?

MP: No. He's sexually active. I just lie there.




Reality Junkie

I. Am. Addicted. To. Reality. TV.

There I've said it.

I am addicted to series too. But my absolute favourite reality shows are any type of singing competition, Keeping Up With The Kardashians(sad I know), The Bachelor, Honey Boo Boo, you get my drift.

This weekend I am on call, for the whole weekend. Luckily it isn't busy. I am painting my nails and watching the latest X-Factor.

How amazing are these people?





Past Medical History. We always ask what medical conditions patients have, because they are often retarded and do not volunteer this information.

Little Miss Medic: So Mr Dumbass, do you have any medical conditions?

Mr Dumbass: Nope. I'm healthy.

LMM: Are you on any chronic medication?

MD: Pharmapress, Aspirin, Metformin, Insulin, Zocor and I forget the name of the other white pill. Do you know which one I mean?

LMM: So you have Hypertension, Diabetes and high cholesterol. Those are all medical conditions Mr Dumbass! And no, there are about a million little white pills, I don't know which one you take.

LMM: Have you had any surgeries Mr Dumbass?

MD: No.

LMM: Can you please move over to the examination bed.

*at this point I notice a LARGE surgical scar over his chest*

LMM: Mr Dumbass, how did you get that scar?

MD: Oh yes, I had a triple bypass last year.

LMM: Again, that is a past surgery. So when I ask if you have had any surgeries, a major cardiac one would be a good reply in this instance!




Blog stats

If you have the priviledge of having a blog, you will know what I mean when I say, looking at your stats can be addictive. This is the page where you can track page views, where your audience comes from and which posts are most popular. But the absolute best part is definitely the keywords, what people type in that may link to your blog. Because I have a foul mouth and write a lot about female genitalia, my keywords are extremely amusing.

lolita cameltoe
breastmilk drinking fuckers
bella twins cameltoe  (go figure)
free lolita cameltoe photos  (what is it with the lolita caeltoe, and WTF is that?)

On google images this is what comes up for "lolita cameltoe"


I don't mind someone pervy coming to my site every now and then, but this just shows that LMM has attracted sickos. Oops!




I heart GC

I love Gareth Cliff. 

Love. Him.

The best part of my morning is driving to work and listening to him on 5fm. His whole team is hilarious and I feel like part of the family. Damon is annoying, speaks incoherently and eats fritos for breakfast. Leigh Ann has huge mammary glands and a drinking problem. Mabale has a new BF and a donkey in Qwa Qwa and Sias is the resident ginger. 

Fucking Brilliant




Mondays seem to be the bane of my life! It was the gynae clinic again today, and after last week, I didn't think I had the strength to get through it.

Little Miss Medic: Hello Mrs Nincompoop. How can I help you today?

Mrs Nincompoop: I have a problem with my lady bits.

LMM: Well, this is the gynae clinic, so you've come to the right place. What seems to be the problem?

MN: I have sewerage.

LMM: I don't understand. Sewerage?

MN: Yes, sewerage. Its coming out my koek.

LMM: You have a vaginal discharge?

NM: Yes, like I said, sewerage.

LMM: OK. What colour is it?

NM: The colour of sewerage

*Crisis! We were getting nowhere!*

LMM: Can you go and lie on the bed so that I can examine you? Please remove your skirt and panties.

*After a good ten minutes, I draw back the curtain and find Mrs Nincompoop still in her underwear. This is a common finding, strangely enough*

LMM: Mrs Nincompoop, I need you to take off your panties.

NM: Why?

LMM: So that I can examine you and take a swab of the discharge.

NM: Are you going to put the swab inside MY vagina?

LMM: Well I am certainly not going to put it in mine!





Miley is Cray-Cray!

I don't know what the fuck Miley Cyrus is on, but whatever it is, it looks like it may be causing paranoid delusions of sexiness. I saw a few of these pics on Twitter today, FFS, this is just disturbing.

                                        I thought this camel toe was bad, until...

                                                             Reverse Camel Toe.


              Yet another crotch grabbing pic......coupled with thumb sucking!?!

                           Someone needs to do a tonguectomy on this chick!


I am completely dumbstruck by all of this. Someone who isn't so dumbstruck and has a lot to say, is Sinead O'Connor, read her letter to Miley here.

There are classier hookers on the side of Main Road.......seriously.

Happy weekend peeps!





The Boyf has decided to do Ocsober (no drinking for the entire month of October). I have decided to be a good girlfriend and join him in this retarded endeavour.

After seeing annoying patients all day, all I want is a glass of red wine.

A big glass.

Maybe two.

Fuck this is going to be hard!

Are you doing Ocsober?




Mrs Butternut

Today was the dreaded gynae clinic. By far my least favourite afternoon of the week.

Enter Mrs Butternut, a 84 your old lady with Alzheimer's.

Little Miss Medic: How can I help you today Mrs Butternut?

Mrs Butternut: Well, I have this thingy that has been coming out my vagina. And I need some cream for it.

LMM: What exactly has been coming out?

MB: I'm not sure.

LMM: How long has it been there?

MB: 20 years. But it doesn't worry me, I just need some cream as it gets a bit dry.

LMM: OK, well let's take a look and then we can see what needs to be done.

*Mrs Butternut gets undressed behind the curtain. As I remove the sheet to examine her, I see...


Yip! A huge, fucking butternut-sized mass hanging out her vagina *

LMM: Mrs Butternut, you can not possibly have been walking around with that hanging out for 20 years.

MB: I have. It doesn't bother me. Like I said, I just need some cream.

LMM: This is ridiculous, your whole vagina is on the outside of your body. Hence why it is so dry. It honestly looks like a baby trying to come out. You can not go home like this. I'm going to insert a ring pessary, to hold it up.

MB: I don't need all these fancy things, just some cream.

LMM: Cream is not going to do anything. That's like having a one-legged man in an ass kicking competition.

Now if this story scares you, and you want to prevent a vaginal butternut from happening, don't forget your kegels Ladies!!!!


And if all else fails, use some cream!





Just for Laughs


Happy Phuza Thursday!




Males and their sport

The other day one of my BFFs were ranting about our significant others and their attachment to sports matches. I have come home many an afternoon, to find The Boyf watching the same cricket final from 1992, in which mullets and the tightie whites reign supreme. He urges me to watch the second ball from the 22nd over, "the one where we bowl an amazing wicket". When I ask why he keeps watching the same match that he has memorized by heart, he replies with a, "but it's so awesome!"

I know I watch a lot of shit TV, from Keeping up with The Kardashians to Honey Boo Boo, but I don't get the point of watching the same match over and over. On a sport filled Saturday, The Boyf has to watch the rugby match build-up from 2 hours before the match. Then the match, during which time talking is strictly prohibited and compulsory snacks of beer and biltong must be had. Then comes the overweight has-beens of rugby, talking about the match. And if that's not enough then come the highlights and 3 hours later, the same fucking match gets watched! It's soul destroying!

I'd far rather watch this!




XX or XY

Some patients do not quite fully grasp the severity of some situations.

It happens time and time again, but still amazes me.

Little Miss Medic: Mrs Oblivious, we just need to do another ultrasound today, because at the other hospital they thought the baby could have a severe deformity.

Mrs. Oblivious: OK

LMM: It seems that the fetus has multiple defects. It doesn't have any brain tissue, only has one leg and it's heart is beating far too slowly. It seems that the baby will not be able to survive once born.

MO: I understand, but is it a boy or a girl? Because I already have Johnny and am longing for a pigeon pair. So a girl would be perfect.

LMM: As I said. The abnormalities are not compatible with life. I did not check the sex, but regardless, the baby will not survive.

MO: Yes, I understand all that ,but it is a boy or a girl? Because I only have green and yellow and am dying to buy pink or blue.

LMM: I don't think you follow. The baby will not be wearing any clothes. It will die. Demise. Pass on.

MO: But will the baby be OK?





Tea time stories

The other day, whilst a few of us were having a break and drinking some coffee in the tea room, we started off a completely usual conversation for Medics...

Little Miss Medic: What is the funniest thing you have ever seen?

This started off a rapid firing of hilarious stories.

Shy Colleague: Whilst I worked in private I got the most embarrassing phonecall from a gay man, with this high, very gay voice.

Shy Colleague: Hello how can I help you?

Gay Man: I've got a very serious problem you see.

SC: OK, just tell me what is the matter.

GM: Well, I think it would be easier if I just came in and showed you.

SC: Sir, I don't want you to come in unnecessarily, just tell me what the problem is and maybe I can help you over the phone.

GM: Really......um....OK.....I have a dildo stuck up my ass.

SC: Wow, OK.....um.....I think you should come in then.

GM: See I told you!

Gay Man arrives 20 minutes later, with sheepish gay partner in tow. Shy Colleague has meanwhile been going over professional manner in which she will deal with this in her head.

SC: OK Sir, if you could just get undressed, then we can see what we can do about your "situation".

GM: Well I certainly hope you have something that will work.

She lets him get undressed behind the curtain. After a few moments she returns to take a closer look. His ENTIRE anal area is swollen like a turgid, red, water balloon.

SC: Jesus Christ, how long has that thing been in there?

GM: 3 days.

Colleague mumbles HOLY FUCK! to herself.

SC: OK, I am going to try and pull it out.

GM: What the hell do you think we've been doing for the past 3 days? Having a fucking party?

SC: Um...No I suppose not. So what have you tried?

GM: Jimmy here has tried pulling it out. I have tried pulling it out. We've used plumbing pliers, salad servers. We even tried braai tongs.

She realises that the gay men clearly have more experience in this field and that her trying to manually remove it, would be futile. So she decides to phone the surgeon on call, Dr De Kock.

SC: Hi Dr De Kock, sorry to bother you, but I have a surgical case that needs your attention.

Dr De Kock: Alright, what are it? (he was very Afrikaans)

SC: Well it seems I have a patient with a rectal foreign body.

DDK: What kind of FB?

SC: Um.....its a ......dildo.

DDK: A wat?

SC: A dildo. 

DDK: Huh? A Wat?

SC: A sex toy, a vibrator.

DDK: Fok it! Ek's nou daar! (Afrikaans for I'm coming!)

You seriously couldn't even make this shit up.



I'm BACK!!!!!

It has been exactly a year since I last posted something, and god how I have fucking missed it!!!
My friends and family are sick of listening to my self pity, my lengthy diatribes and pretending to laugh at my brilliant replay of events at the hospital. I need an outlet! I need my blog back!

Hopefully I still have a few faithful followers out there, who have not quite abandoned me. I have missed writing so much, and even though I do not know how I will find the time to post something on a regular basis...oh wait!...I do. I could maybe stop watching The Bachelor Pad and Keeping Up With The Kardashians religiously, and there are the few extra hours I would've pissed away.

I'd love to say that my life has miraculously changed in the last year, but it hasn't. Besides adopting an extra cat and buying a new house, everything is exactly the same. Same shit different day.

Please welcome me back with open arms, because I am sitting her grinning from ear to ear at the thought of being back in the blogosphere, and I would hate for my mother to be the only person that reads this!

Lots of love
Little Miss Medic
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