Waxing War Stories

Whilst I write this blog post, I am sitting in First Class on a train to Manchester, sipping on a G+T. The Boyf made his much awaited return today, its been a long 2 months. In preparation for his arrival, I made a much needed trip to the local beauty salon for some grooming...

I had been there before but hadn't had a dreaded bikini wax there. It turned out to be an utter disaster, there was a lot of me-trying-not to-scream, a few tears and a nazi type therapist, who kept telling me to "open wider". Needless to say, I will never be returning there, as it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

Later that day, I arrived at the A+E, walking like cowboy! I spent most of the night seeing random, minor things. Around 11pm, the senior reg asked me if I would see a patient, who was requesting a female doctor. This can only mean one thing. She has a va-jay-jay problem. GREAT!

I escorted her into an examination cubicle and began taking a history. She too had been for a wax that day. Except she came home BLEEDING. Patients always make things sound worse then they are, and on examination I expected to find something totally minor. Only I didn't. Much to this poor patient's horror. She had a 3cm laceration on said va-jay-jay. It must've happened during overenthusiastic waxing/ripping. She hadn't been able to have a look there, but only noticed a large amount of bleeding. I almost decided to put in sutures, but after a moment's thought decided that it would heal fine on its own, and be more comfortable sans stitches. The poor girl asked me to write a letter to the Beauty Salon, stating what I had found.

So Tuesday's Tip, is to think carefully where you will go for your regular "grooming".


Gogo X

When I was a little intern doing Orthopaedics, I had a very scary Reg. (registrar - doctor who's specialising). His name was J, not Dr J, just J. He was bald, he was never without a cigarette and he was mean. So mean, he even made me cry. He prayed on weak, little, white girls, destroying their confidence within mere seconds. I had the priviledge of being on call with him for a WHOLE weekend.

We were sitting in the tearoom having a break, when the ward phoned me to say,

"Dokotela, you must come quick!"
I had learnt quickly, to not race to the ward, as it was often only a minor thing that was needed such as a signature on a death certificate, but luckily in Orthopaedics, no one died, or infrequently.

"Is it a patient?"

"Yes, it is Gogo X. You must come quick!"

Gogo X was a 80-something year old Gogo, who had broken her hip and was awaiting a hip replacement, which could sometimes take weeks. She was in the ward until then, bedbound (or so we thought).

"Is Gogo X still breathing?"

The usual response is "No she is GAAAASPing!"
"Yes," the nurse admitted.

"OK I'll be there in 10 minutes."

J had overheard the conversation....

"Right let's go see what it is," he barked.
What? He never troubled himself with minor things such as ward work. Why did he want to come with? I put it down to sheer boredom.

I headed for the stairs, as it is was only 2 flights up, but J NEVER took the stairs and would wait for a lift, no matter how long it took, even for one floor. So as his junior, I stood next to him whilst we filled the silence with awkward toe-tapping and thumb-twiddling.

As we finally walked into the female orthopaedics ward, nothing could prepare me for the sight we were about to witness.

Gogo X was standing! Yip standing. On a broken hip. And she was wielding a crutch. Around her were about 9 "security" guards fanned out in a circle. (I say "security" because if you've ever worked in a government hosiptal, you will know that these are the most useless fuckers around! The only time you ever need them, is when restraining a patient and then they miraculously vanish. They are almost as useless as the lab "receptionist".)

Anyway....she was swishing her crutch around trying to hit the useless fuckers. She was ranting something in Zulu, and quite frankly looked completely off her rocker, which is common in the 80-something category. J marched up to her and grabbed her by the neck of her hospital gown. He lifted her effortlessly with one hand and plonked her back in her cot bed. I meanwhile had got a syringe of diazepam, to knock Gogo X out, before she fractured her "good" hip. J restrained her, whilst the security guards looked on, completely amazed. I quickly applied a tourniquet and was injecting her as she turned to me....

"Haai voetsek!" she screamed at me as she spat in my face.

Yip. She. Had. Just. Spat.In My. Face.

Before I knew what was happening, J had grabbed her head and turned it to face him.

" Don't you EVER f*%king spit in a doctor's face! EVER! She is trying to help you!" he roared.

He instantly spat back in her face. Not just a small bit of spittle, but a proper honk-it-up-from-within-Zulu-style spit. As if it was a completely natural thing to do in return.

He frog-marched me out of the ward and back to the tearoom and made me a cup of tea.

And that was the day that the mad-bald-spitting J, became my hero.........




TV F$%K Ups

I'm having a very boring day at the Office.

Here is something to cheer you guys up!

It seems like she has either had one too many whiskeys or has a severe form of aphasia.

An oldie, but a goodie!

And she represents Americans....................?






Unfortunately Day 2 of Bikram Yoga 10 day challenge did not happen and I know excuses are for the weak, but I ran out of time!

Onto more interesting things.............the BAFTAs.
So if you've just crawled out from under a rock, this is the British Academy of Film and Television Arts....ie The Oscars, but in England.
It all happened on Sunday the 13th at a rainy Covent Garden.

The King's Speech raked in an astonishing seven awards with the two most coveted being, Best picture and Best Actor, which was awarded to a rather shy Colin Firth.


The bizarre Helena Bonham Carter won Supporting Actress and gave the strangest acceptance speech, about how she never likes to win and is so used to losing. She is a real character and I was quite surprised to see her dressed in something normal, black Vivenne Westwood.

I was thrilled that Natalie Portman won the much deserved Best Actress, but as she is heavily preganant, she was not there to accept the award. Other winners consisted of Geoffery Rush for Best Supporting Actor and The Social Network for Best Director.

The most exciting part for me is always the fashion, and here are some of the highlights...

                                                        Emma Arteton in YSL

                                                          Jessica Alba in Versace

Talulah Riley in Escada

                                                        Claire Danes in Burberry

                                           Thandie Newton in Monique Lhuiller

                                                              Jameela Jamil in D&G




Valentine's Day/ Bikram Yoga

Happy Valentine's Day Peeps,

I am boycotting the day as The Boyf is still in the land of sun :(

"No woman will ever be truly satisfied on this day because no man has a chocolate penis wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds!"

Onto more interesting things........................ I have committed myself to a 10-day Bikram Yoga Challenge.

1. I have never done Bikram Yoga before (yoga in a room heated to 40'C)

2. I have never done Yoga before

3. I am going to die.

DAY 1:

I arrived at the studio in Soho, armed with copious amounts of water. We took our shoes off at the entrance and then had to do a "hop, skip and jump" to avoid all the sweat puddles on the way to the changeroom.

The changeroom was small (read miniscule). Everybody was NAKED in there too! This was all a bit too much for me. I tried to squeeze through the masses of unclad bodies to a locker to put away my bag. I had come prepared, to avoid the nakedness and was already in my yoga gear.

As I opened the door to the studio room, I was hit with the stench of fresh sweat from the previous class. I shoved my towel in front of my nose, grabbed a mat and found a spot.

The class hadn't begun yet and I suddenly realised I had lost one of my pearl earrings. "It could be in the changeroom." I thought as I made my way back and attempted to look around on the floor. All I could see were boobs, pubic hair and lily-white bottoms. The earring was SO not worth it!

Back in the class, we were getting ready to start. I was so nervous and kept eyeing everyone to see what they were doing.

The class started and I fumbled my way through the first few poses. I don't usually sweat much at all, but I sweating like a fat pig going through menopause. It was ridiculous, yet felt quite detoxifying.

After 20 minutes I was dying. I felt dizzy and didn't care about standing on one leg with the other twisted around it and my hands is a weird distorted shape. I still had 70 minutes to go! I couldn't last that long. I wanted to leave!

I sat down for a few minutes, but the heat became worse when still. So I got up and tried one more pose. Before I knew it the class was over! I had made it! I had survived!

Now I had to face showering..........

The showers were 2 rows of three spouts in an open space. No walls. No doors. No shower curtains. I would have to shower/wash in front of everyone! Give me strength!

I shed my clothes as quickly as I could and leaped into the shower "room". I faced the wall so I wouldn't have to look at anyone. After 5 minutes of staring at the wall, my front was clean, my back was sweaty. I didn't care!

Now for step 2.....getting dry and dressed. I managed to get changed with my towel around me the whole time, in a mummy-type-fashion. How pathetic am I? Why can I not just be OK with dressing in front of people? We all had the same bits? Some people were taking it a bit far though, lathering cream all over or prancing around in their thongs in front of the mirrors.

Mission accomplished. I had done my very first yoga class and changed without being naked :)

I was tired and made the long trek home with my tomato face!

Tomorrow Day 2!




Freaky Patients

Thought I'd do a recap of some of this week's pearler patients.

I started the week off being very upbeat and excited about being back at work.

LMM:  Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?

Patient 1: Well...I...um...did a stupid thing...and I don't want my wife to know.....and.....um...I wanna test for...um....STDs.

LMM:  OK, when did you last have unprotected sex?

Patient 1: On Monday with.....um.....a prostitute.....in Thailand.......in a bar......and then on.....Tuesday.....with a Ladyboy.
(Ok the ladyboy thing isn't true, but makes for a nice twist.)


LMM:  Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?

Patient 2:  So yeah, I was in like, um, Soho and had a bit of a rag and I wanna get tested. (Imagine the American accent)

LMM: What is a rag? And what would you like to test for? We offer a range of tests......HIV, Hepatitis B and C, Herpes, Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea, Syphillis, HPV.

Patient 2: Yeah, I'll do the whole lot I guess.


LMM:  Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?

Patient 3:  I would like to test for HIV.

LMM:  OK. I just need to drop of blood to do the test. I'm going to prick your finger with this needle.

Patient 3:  Is that a clean needle?

LMM:  Yes

Patient 3: Can you open another one so I can make sure its new?

LMM:  Sure.

Patient 3:  Is that a new needle?

LMM: Yes, I just opened it in front of you.

Patient 3: Ok ok. Can you just open one more? So I'm sure......

LMM: Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?

Patient 4:  I have a sore foreskin.


I cannot take it anymore, all this sleeping around and having to mop up your STD mess. Use a condom for heaven's sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Now I feel like this.......




Funny feet

Sorry I have been AWOL for the last few days. Was out in the English countryside for a few days, but am back and ready to rant.....again :)

I just saw a patient, who has a very serious problem.

A life and death kinda problem.

He. Has. Dry. Skin. On. His. Feet.

He must be literally the only person who has this rare condition of desquamating keratin on his soles.

He asked me what he should do? He came here and paid money to ask me that!!!

One word.





Some of the cutest kids in the world.......

This week take a look at some of the cutest kids EVER........

I've assembled these photos over the last 4 years, working in various provinces in South Africa. There is nothing more adorable than a black baby. They are by far the most gorgeous!

This isn't a gigantic beanie, its just a prem baby :)

This is Bongi. He had a very special place in my heart!

The Gang

This little one was 3 days old. His Mom decided to abandon him at the Hospital. She was only 17 years old. I fed him every 3 hours and I slowly got very attached. On day 10, his Mom came back and had decided that she did in fact want him........I didn't want to let go :(

Cute twins in the clinic, called Andile and Bandile :)




Tube Wonders - Part 2

Public transport is a wonderful thing. I get such a kick out of people watching and its the perfect place to get my daily fix!

Yesterday I was on my way home on  a train from Waterloo. I was standing next to a 40-something year old woman's seat. On first glance, she looked normal enough and I didn't pay her anymore attention.......until.....

....she started picking her nose. Not just a quick pick, but a digging for diamonds type excavation. It was disgusting to watch, yet I couldn't tear my eyes off her (think car-crash-have-to-look-feeling). I was so horrified! Could she not see that I could see her? See her sticking her podgy finger into her nostril? It couldn't get any worse, until she promtly stuck said podgy finger into her mouth! I couldn't contain myself. I looked around to see if anyone else had seen it. I was incredulous! I wanted to shout out.....

"Hey! I just saw you eat your own booger! That's fucking disgusting. Didn't your Mom ever teach you not to do that, or slap your hand if you did? Shame on you."
Instead I just continued staring at the poor woman. She had still not even noticed me. She had obviously decided she had enough and that her nasal passages were well cleansed, as she pulled out her Dan Brown, The Lost symbol, book. I no longer had anything to do, nothing to distract me from the cramped train ride. I glanced at her again. I hadn't expected to be further amused....

She had her book pulled up to her face, it almost touched her "spic and span" nose, a mere 10cm away. She was reading, you could tell, because her head quickly moved from side to side as if watching a tennis match, only that was how she was reading her sentences. She had glasses on so why was she reading like that? Why didn't she just get stronger glasses or bifocals? A blind mole with an affinity for her own secretions! "By George" this was a goodie of a specimen that I had found on the South West train service.

"This is one for the blog!" I quickly made a mental note and scanned her again taking in her bizarre apperance.

8 rings on 3 fingers...........check

weird fuzzy green beret..........check

even weirder flowers on green beret.........check

purple velvet shirt...........check

faux fur coat.............check

clunky shoes.............check (clunky shoes are always a must have if you are in the "strange" category)

As I heard the friendly female voice announce my stop, I was heart broken. This was SO much fun. This had made my day! And how utterly pathetic did that make me seem?

"Farewell velvet-nose-picking-creature!" I whispered.



Black Swan

One of my birthday wishes last week was to watch the much talked about movie, Black Swan.

I was absolutely blown away by this movie and it was one of the BEST movies I have ever watched. The cast is star-studded, the costumes are beautiful and the dancing..........to die for! I swear that this movie will have a huge effect/backlash on the "uncultured" public, who will reconsider going to the ballet to watch a Swan Lake production, so kudos to the producers of Black Swan for having a positive effect on the Arts.

 I am looking forward to seeing it again, so I can fully appreciate the intricacy of the details, the portrayal of the black vs white characters and the final transformation into the Black Swan.

If you haven't watched it yet.....watch this trailer

This movie has something for everyone.....the most exquisite ballet, thrilling moments that make you hide behind your hands in fear, a tiny lesbian moment for the guys and a lot of crotch touching (which I did not enjoy).

Be warned, Natalie Portman's body is a bit scary at times. She is literally just made of muscle and sinew. Apparently she trained for 18 months to get the dancing perfect, and does it all herself (I have heard talk of CGI use, but I am not going to believe it!). I know nothing about ballet, but OMG she is brilliant! And besides learning some kick ass moves and raking up the awards, she has shacked up with the dance choreographer and is expecting his baby, so all in all not a bad run for little Nat.

I heart Mila Kunis. I think she is stunning and I love her cheeky, relaxed character in this film. She might just make it onto my girl crush list.

I am slowly making my way through the list of Oscar movies, so come the big night, I can sit on couch and give my own two cents worth!

VOTE: Natalie for Best Actress......haven't watched any of the other movies, but my money is on her!


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