24.4.14

Demonic Druggie


I completely jinxed myself. Last week I wrote a post about how I was working the Easter weekend and that all I hoped for was that I didn't get a tik patient coming in. I just had to bloody say that! (mistake number 1) Why???????

The night (Easter Monday) hadn't been going so badly until at 4am, when everyone seemed to realise the long weekend was over and they could all rock up to the labour ward en masse. At least a half dozen women arrived at the same time. I quickly got my last coke light and told myself it was only 4 hours to go, how bad could the rest of the call really be? (mistake number 2). A clinic had phoned to refer a lady in labour, who was also high on tik. Same shit different day. But this woman, if I can even call her that, was undoubtedly the worst tik patient I have EVER had, and trust me, I've had a few.

She arrived in a wheelchair, screaming. That's perhaps not enough of a descriptive word. She was grunting/screaming like some monster who had just crawled out of a swamp. Her eyes looked wild and she had a facial palsy, probably due to excessive drug use. We quickly got her onto a bed, where she thrashed around kicking myself and the intern (aka The Skivvy) in the arm and chest respectively. We quickly shouted for reinforcements.

Eventually after there were 5 of us holding her, security obvs nowhere to be found, and saw that the head was crowning. The more we tried to get her to open her legs and push, the more she scrambled against the wall, sporadically kicking a leg out at us. For one moment I actually looked at The Skivvy and we both burst out laughing. It was like something out of a demon movie, The Exorcism, like when Marlena was possessed in Days of our Lives (don't act like you don't remember).

Little Miss Medic: Ok, we need you to push so that we can deliver the baby.

Demonic Druggie: Grrrrraaaaaa, arggggghhhhhhh *spitting*

LMM: Listen Lady, if you don't cooperate with us then we can't help you! (mistake 3- aggravating the animal)

Demonic Druggie swipes out with her left grimy hand, scratching my face.

The Skivvy: Oi! Stop that! You don't do that to the doctor! *bless, I've trained him well*

DD: Rrrrhhhhhhwwaaaabbbbbb. Fooooooookkkkkkk jjjjoooooooouuuuuu!

LMM: Sister, you deliver the baby and we'll each hold a limb down.

As the midwife leans forward and examines to see how high up the baby's head is, Demonic Druggie thrusts her hand into the midwife's crotch.

The Skivvy: Oi! You do NOT try to do a vaginal examination on The Midwife!

Eventually the mini human came out, healthy and crying. She literally fell asleep a minute later, not even bothering to acknowledge her new child.




LMM

xoxo




23.4.14

Paddy the Dancing Granny



I am sure many of you have seen this clip on FB recently.

I am such a sucker for a good YouTube video and often run with my phone to find The Boyf yelling, "you HAVE to watch this! No, I swear this clip is the best one EVER!" and I say that every time.

But....this amazing granny is worth the watch.




Un-fucking-believable right? The dips, the lifts, the gasps from the audience.

I just hope I have legs like that when I'm 79.


Happy Wednesday!

LMM

xoxo




17.4.14

Working Easter


For all of my sins I will be working this long Easter weekend.



I am really not the hugest Easter person, so I don't mind really, just as long as I don't get a tik patient.

They really seem to be coming in droves. I don't know what it? Possibly the fact that it's so damn cheap.
My last tik patient was annoying as all hell...




Little Miss Medic: Miss Tikkie, I know that the pain is severe but when you feel a contraction, I need you to push.

Miss Tikkie: Ek...sob....kan...sob...nie! *ugly cry*

LMM: You can! You just need to listen to me.

MT: You Ma se....

LMM: I am only trying to help you. Swearing won't make me go away.

Contraction starts.

MT: Mommmmmmmmeeeeeee. I......sob...want....sob....my....sob...mmmmoooommmmmeeeee! *ugly cry*

LMM: I can see the head. Almost there. Just one more push.

Miss Tikkie proceeds to put her fingers in her nether regions.

LMM: Don't do that. I just need you to focus on pushing.

She continues to do this and then brings her hands to her face, smearing excrement all over herself in the process.

LMM: I told you not to do that. Now look what you've done.

MT: Fok jou!

LMM: Now listen here lady, do not push me! You have yet to see a white person's inner coloured come out. And believe me it isn't pretty.

Eventually the poor baby came out and was named Renesme. Dear Lord...

Please let there be no Miss Tikkies this weekend!

HAPPY EASTER!

LMM

xoxo




15.4.14

AH-ma-zing



There are so many amazing things on FB, YouTube and Twitter these days. I find myself spending countless hours scrolling down to just watch ONE more video clip in a half comatose state at 23:33 of a cute kitten or retarded German guy.

But. This has to be the most jaw-dropping amazing clip I have ever seen. Ever.


How she manages to do that so beautifully, one will never know. Imagine waking up one day and thinking, "Ooh. Today I shall paint pictures with sand."

Kseniya Simonova became famous when she won Ukraine's Got Talent in 2009.

Wow! Its up there with Battle at Kruger.


Anyways. Enjoy your Tuesday!

LMM

xoxo




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