Demonic Druggie

I completely jinxed myself. Last week I wrote a post about how I was working the Easter weekend and that all I hoped for was that I didn't get a tik patient coming in. I just had to bloody say that! (mistake number 1) Why???????

The night (Easter Monday) hadn't been going so badly until at 4am, when everyone seemed to realise the long weekend was over and they could all rock up to the labour ward en masse. At least a half dozen women arrived at the same time. I quickly got my last coke light and told myself it was only 4 hours to go, how bad could the rest of the call really be? (mistake number 2). A clinic had phoned to refer a lady in labour, who was also high on tik. Same shit different day. But this woman, if I can even call her that, was undoubtedly the worst tik patient I have EVER had, and trust me, I've had a few.

She arrived in a wheelchair, screaming. That's perhaps not enough of a descriptive word. She was grunting/screaming like some monster who had just crawled out of a swamp. Her eyes looked wild and she had a facial palsy, probably due to excessive drug use. We quickly got her onto a bed, where she thrashed around kicking myself and the intern (aka The Skivvy) in the arm and chest respectively. We quickly shouted for reinforcements.

Eventually after there were 5 of us holding her, security obvs nowhere to be found, and saw that the head was crowning. The more we tried to get her to open her legs and push, the more she scrambled against the wall, sporadically kicking a leg out at us. For one moment I actually looked at The Skivvy and we both burst out laughing. It was like something out of a demon movie, The Exorcism, like when Marlena was possessed in Days of our Lives (don't act like you don't remember).

Little Miss Medic: Ok, we need you to push so that we can deliver the baby.

Demonic Druggie: Grrrrraaaaaa, arggggghhhhhhh *spitting*

LMM: Listen Lady, if you don't cooperate with us then we can't help you! (mistake 3- aggravating the animal)

Demonic Druggie swipes out with her left grimy hand, scratching my face.

The Skivvy: Oi! Stop that! You don't do that to the doctor! *bless, I've trained him well*

DD: Rrrrhhhhhhwwaaaabbbbbb. Fooooooookkkkkkk jjjjoooooooouuuuuu!

LMM: Sister, you deliver the baby and we'll each hold a limb down.

As the midwife leans forward and examines to see how high up the baby's head is, Demonic Druggie thrusts her hand into the midwife's crotch.

The Skivvy: Oi! You do NOT try to do a vaginal examination on The Midwife!

Eventually the mini human came out, healthy and crying. She literally fell asleep a minute later, not even bothering to acknowledge her new child.

LMM

xoxo

Working Easter

For all of my sins I will be working this long Easter weekend.

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I am really not the hugest Easter person, so I don't mind really, just as long as I don't get a tik patient.

They really seem to be coming in droves. I don't know what it? Possibly the fact that it's so damn cheap.
My last tik patient was annoying as all hell...




Little Miss Medic: Miss Tikkie, I know that the pain is severe but when you feel a contraction, I need you to push.

Miss Tikkie: Ek...sob....kan...sob...nie! *ugly cry*

LMM: You can! You just need to listen to me.

MT: You Ma se....

LMM: I am only trying to help you. Swearing won't make me go away.

Contraction starts.

MT: Mommmmmmmmeeeeeee. I......sob...want....sob....my....sob...mmmmoooommmmmeeeee! *ugly cry*

LMM: I can see the head. Almost there. Just one more push.

Miss Tikkie proceeds to put her fingers in her nether regions.

LMM: Don't do that. I just need you to focus on pushing.

She continues to do this and then brings her hands to her face, smearing excrement all over herself in the process.

LMM: I told you not to do that. Now look what you've done.

MT: Fok jou!

LMM: Now listen here lady, do not push me! You have yet to see a white person's inner coloured come out. And believe me it isn't pretty.

Eventually the poor baby came out and was named Renesme. Dear Lord...

Please let there be no Miss Tikkies this weekend!

HAPPY EASTER!

LMM

xoxo

Massage Bliss

People always ask, "How do you stay awake for 30 hours?". With great difficulty, is my answer. Luckily the labour ward is such a high turnover place that there is little time to sit down, let alone pee. I go to work on call days, prepared to go into combat. I have every food type imaginable and am even armed with extra underwear in cases of spillage. My Crocs, unfortunately are a vital part of my armour, much to the dismay of my friends and family. Everyone has call superstitions. I never take a toothbrush or magazines on call, because that implies that I would get to sleep or relax and if you have these items, Murphy's Law, it will be crazy.

Today I got home after a 26 hour call and felt like a bus had ridden over me, reversed and then done a wheel spin over my head. But, I didn't care, because I had the perfect post call treat lined up for myself.

A massage..... :)

The amazing Ingrid came to give me the most heavenly massage known to man. In the comfort of your own home, she comes prepared with a plinth, relaxing music and the hands of an angel. If I can give you one tip: try one of her massages, relaxation like I have never known. I have had a lot of dodgy massages and this rates as a firm number 1!

(Unfortunately only for those in the Cape Town area.)

Now for tea in bed :)

LMM

xoxo

Dear Pregnant Mommies

Dear Pregnant Mommies,


Please do not use Tik whilst you are pregnant and especially not before you come to hospital, in labour. It makes my life very difficult when I have to try and urge you to push out your poor, helpless baby, whilst you shriek and perform like a crazy banshee. Please also admit to using Tik straight off the bat. I can spot you a mile away and even though you deny it, you just have that "tikked" up look about you. It would help if you told us when you last used and how often you did. Please do not curse or spit at me, bite or hit me and definitely do not throw faeces at me.


I would greatly appreciate your cooperation.


Regards,


Little Miss Medic


xoxo

F&%king C-R-A-Z-Y

I have said this countless times, although I never can quite say it enough...

NOTHING and I say nothing, brings out the crazy like a woman in labour!



I was on call on Friday night. It was the usual combo of millions of caesars and fun and games in the labour ward. When you have worked in a labour ward for a while, you don't even notice the screaming of women giving birth. It just becomes the norm to have shrieking, grunting and even crying as background noise.

ENTER 19 year old patient.......no....19 year old CRAZY patient! This patient definitely used drugs. No amounts of morphine could dull her pain and she only weighted 45kg. This little package of dynamite came without front teeth, a foul mouth and with the biggest attitude I have ever seen. During labour, she broke expensive equipment that monitors the baby's heart rate, swore at me on multiple occasions, pinched me and even tried to hit me. Her favourite was to scream "Mooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyy" during each contraction. I eventually phoned her Mom, thinking she might instill some sanity. She was a 20 year older version of the patient, and now I had 2 of them to deal with.

As the baby's head was crowning, she refused to push, instead choosing to stick her hands into her vagina. How this was going to help, I did not know, unless she wanted to deliver her own baby, anyhoo. The absolute best was when she started pinching her own nipples and screaching "Jesus!". The baby's head had not moved a millimetre. When we ordered her to push, she grunted with all her might, yet the baby's head went nowhere. Eventually after much coaxing the little thing was born absolutely flat and very lifeless. After giving it some oxygen and good rub down, it eventually started crying. As I dried the small infant, I said to it...
"Sorry small baby, but your Mom is fucked in the head. Your life will not be easy!"

Mean, but true!



LMM

xoxo

King Kong Mommy

Sorry to everyone for being AWOL for the last while, but between trying to keep my head above water with these calls and looking for a place to live, I barely have time pee, let alone blog.

We have this saying in the Obstetric department...

"Nothing brings out the crazy more than a woman in labour."

It is so true and on my first night call I got to see a little bit of that crazy. Women in labour are strange creatures. They will groan, shriek and even sing out in pain. The way they deal with pain, has various spectrums. One particular patient took this to a whole other level. Each time she had a contraction, she would beat her fists against her chest. Just like Tarzan. Or King Kong. It was so funny that I couldn't help from laughing out loud, but she was full on in the throws of her primate rant and did not notice.

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She also then tried to bite my colleague, who is a major BITCH  :)


LMM

xoxo

Meet Christina

Today I'm taking a trip down Memory Lane and back to the Labour Ward!

Enter Christina............

Christina was pregnant...........................with twins.

Christina also had a psychiatric disorder, which had been made worse by the fact that she was pregnant.

Her husband had brought her into the hospital because she became delusional at home and he was concerned.

"Hello Doctor. You have to help me! I want these babies out of ME! They must come out now. I don't want them anymore."

"But Christina, the babies are still too small and won't survive on their own. They need to stay in your tummy and grow a bit more." I explained.

"No. I don't care. You must take them out or I will."

Christina ended up spending 3 weeks in the ward, as we were worried about what she would do.

Eventually the day of her caesarian section arrived. Christina had coped quite well up until this point, despite her delusions.

In the theatre, she started to become agitated and demanded water. We explained that she couldn't have any right now but after the operation we could give her some. I was doing the caesar and she started to wriggle around and scream....

"...water Water WATER!" but the way she said it, it sounded like wa-TA, wa-TA!

"Please Jesus help me! I need wa-TA!"

Our senior doctor, who was very religious, then proceeded to tell her that Jesus would not help her, unless she behaved, and acted like a good mother. This sent her off into a complete spin.....

"Je-SUS, Je-SUS JE-SUS!"

She continued this crazed chanting........

When the operation was finally over and she was handed her two beautiful baby boys, she started to sing to them and kissed each one gently on the forehead. This just proves how motherhood can change you.

Ten months later, I came across Christina again, one night in the Emergency Room. One of the twins was sick.

"Hello Christina. How are you? Do you remember me?" I asked, not expecting much.

"Yes, yes. You took my babies out. Thank you! But now one of them is sick. Bandile has been vomiting."

In the Swazi culture, twins always had similar names. Dudu and Gugu. Siphokazi and Siphosethu. And Bandile and Andile.

The two boys were healthy and well looked after, and Bandile recovered quickly. Christina had completely transformed into a stable and competent, loving mother. That is the one part of my job that I love...seeing the same patient later on and finding that everything is perfect.

LMM
xoxo