Massage Bliss

People always ask, "How do you stay awake for 30 hours?". With great difficulty, is my answer. Luckily the labour ward is such a high turnover place that there is little time to sit down, let alone pee. I go to work on call days, prepared to go into combat. I have every food type imaginable and am even armed with extra underwear in cases of spillage. My Crocs, unfortunately are a vital part of my armour, much to the dismay of my friends and family. Everyone has call superstitions. I never take a toothbrush or magazines on call, because that implies that I would get to sleep or relax and if you have these items, Murphy's Law, it will be crazy.

Today I got home after a 26 hour call and felt like a bus had ridden over me, reversed and then done a wheel spin over my head. But, I didn't care, because I had the perfect post call treat lined up for myself.

A massage..... :)

The amazing Ingrid came to give me the most heavenly massage known to man. In the comfort of your own home, she comes prepared with a plinth, relaxing music and the hands of an angel. If I can give you one tip: try one of her massages, relaxation like I have never known. I have had a lot of dodgy massages and this rates as a firm number 1!

(Unfortunately only for those in the Cape Town area.)

Now for tea in bed :)

LMM

xoxo

Dukan Diet Day 4 and Patient X

Today The ATTACK PHASE is over....whoop whoop!
This means that I get to add vegetables.........not potatoes though :(

Phase 2 - Cruise Phase

This is where you are supposed to continue losing weight at a steady pace. My cruise phase is going to last 28 days (depends on how much weight you have to lose). In this phase you alternate between protein only days and protein + veg days. I have chosen to do a ratio on 1:1, alternating the days as 5:5 would kill me.

So far I have lost 2 kgs and am excited to see how the next phase goes. This means that no carbs will touch my lips for 31 days...................ok, except my little sushi cheat.

Enough about the diet........



The other day I had a sixty-something year old man come to see me. He wanted STD testing....surprise, surprise! I waited for him to begin his ramble of how he did something stupid and it only happened once and he has been ridden with guilt......blah BLAH BLAH!

But he didn't..........

Patient X: I travelled to Hong Kong recently and at my hotel I went for a massage.

LMM: Yes.... (massage seems to be the euphimistic term for getting it on)

Patient X: I had only booked a back massage and suddenly during the massage, the woman licked her fingers and inserted them into my anus.

LMM:.......gasp......(jaw drops to floor)

Patient X: I was so shocked at the time and immediately left. I have been worrying about it constantly since then and if they do this kind of thing, they must surely do other things. This led me to think that I might have contracted an STD.

LMM: The risk is low, but it definitely is a possibility. I would suggest testing.

Patient X: Is this a common practice? Am I so out of the loop that I misunderstood what a massage means?

LMM: No, not at all. But some of these institutions cater for other things as well and being Asia, they obviously assumed a man having a massage on his own, would want that.

Patient X: Well I felt violated and was horrifed!

LMM: I understand.................................

5 minutes later he was on his way, anus swabbed, and feeling better. His results came back clear and he would definitey think twice about getting a massage in the future.

Shame...poor guy..........


LMM


xoxo

Headaches - Part 1

For the last 3 months, I have been getting headaches.

 Not just a minor throbbing in the temporal area, but something that feels like a full-on explosion, like acid seeping between my grey matter. I started treating myself with normal painkillers, and eventually, after my boyfriend complained that my “headache” was an excuse for EVERYTHING, I decided to do something about it. I ingeniously deduced that it could be caused by stress due to a culmination of things:

1.       Doing shift work which results in a zombie-like, sleep deprived state when you don’t know what day of the week it is, let alone the location of one’s own ass hole.

2.       Temporarily living with my parents in an attempt to save money before relocating to the UK. Whilst it seemed like a good idea at the time, after 5 months of not having my own space, it can get a bit tiring.

3.       Having my boyfriend live with me AND my parents. Great way to get over the make or break stage, as he discovers the inner workings of my family unit and exactly where all my issues stem from.  

4.       Studying for the biggest exam to date.

4 reasons should be sufficient for you to comprehend the dilemma.

My quick fix for stress:        

A MASSAGE!

Undoubtedly the best way to relax and de-stress. Going for massages has become my coping mechanism for dealing with the crap of the last 4 years. At 03:30am, whilst stitching a drunken man, whose friend decided to stab him with a broken bottle because he drank some of his precious beer, the mere thought of having a massage the next day, saves me for the next few hours of mayhem.

I book myself for a 60 minute back and neck rubdown at a local place that I’ve never been to.

 Before I continue with this little story, allow me to digress quickly to the lessons of this post:

LESSON 1. – do NOT go for a massage at ANY place, especially if you have never heard of it, or never heard anything about it. A lot of people like to think they are beauty therapists and skilled in the art of manipulating your back and wallet.

So back to the story….. I arrive for my massage on my day off, in between my study break. As I approach the institution, I notice that it is a hair salon- slash-beauty salon-slash-coffee house.

LESSON 2. – if it’s not a spa/beauty salon on its own, it isn’t one at all.

There is an obese woman sitting outside smoking. Being in the medical field, I’ve seen a lot of overweight people. The word “obese” is not something that I casually throw around. For me it is a word that I strictly reserve for the > 150kg category.

I realize 5 minutes later that this is my therapist. She leads me upstairs to a little room with an appropriate massage table and my hope to unwind is restored. She begins the treatment and after around 3.45 minutes, I feel her lean her one arm on me. She was actually resting her massive limb on top of my back. All I could see for my little hole, were her podgy shins in too tight shoes. She started to sigh a few times and even cracked out a yawn. I could not believe it…

“I’m sorry, is this a tad tiring for you? Is performing this menial task, exhausting your lump of a body? How dare I just lie here and fork out well-earned cash, whilst you slave away. How rude of me! ”

This is what I prepared to say, but thinking something and having the balls to say it, are 2 completely different things for me. It would’ve all been OK if the massage had been good, but someone poking me with a sharpened stick could’ve been equally unpleasant. I painstakingly endured the next 50 minutes of feeling as if a concrete slab was crushing my left side and arrived home with my headache increased ten-fold.

xoxo