Today was the dreaded gynae clinic. By far my least favourite afternoon of the week.
Enter Mrs Butternut, a 84 your old lady with Alzheimer's.
Little Miss Medic: How can I help you today Mrs Butternut?
Mrs Butternut: Well, I have this thingy that has been coming out my vagina. And I need some cream for it.
LMM: What exactly has been coming out?
MB: I'm not sure.
LMM: How long has it been there?
MB: 20 years. But it doesn't worry me, I just need some cream as it gets a bit dry.
LMM: OK, well let's take a look and then we can see what needs to be done.
*Mrs Butternut gets undressed behind the curtain. As I remove the sheet to examine her, I see...
Yip! A huge, fucking butternut-sized mass hanging out her vagina *
LMM: Mrs Butternut, you can not possibly have been walking around with that hanging out for 20 years.
MB: I have. It doesn't bother me. Like I said, I just need some cream.
LMM: This is ridiculous, your whole vagina is on the outside of your body. Hence why it is so dry. It honestly looks like a baby trying to come out. You can not go home like this. I'm going to insert a ring pessary, to hold it up.
MB: I don't need all these fancy things, just some cream.
LMM: Cream is not going to do anything. That's like having a one-legged man in an ass kicking competition.
Now if this story scares you, and you want to prevent a vaginal butternut from happening, don't forget your kegels Ladies!!!!
And if all else fails, use some cream!