This Week

...was a week from hell

...I spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday recovering from the most amazing wedding, where I ended the evening by vomming all over myself and The Boyf  *awesome*

...I had a serious case of losers *see above line*

...I am meeting up with my bestie from Zim, a friend from NZ and one from London, at a wedding in White River

...one of my best friend's is having her baby YAY!

...I watched this

...I realised how much I love Homeland.

...I tried to catch up on sleep

...paid someone to do a shift for me *poor face*


What did you do?



LMM

xoxo

A+E Favourites

There a few patients that LOVE coming to the A+E. We have 3 patients that each come about 3-4 times per week. Yesterday they were all there at the same time.

                                                                           source

Mr Brown - an alcoholic, who believes that the water in his flat has been posioned. He mostly comes just to drink from the water cooler. He says he has never tasted water so good. He was so drunk he couldn't stand, but insisted on stumbling around. After falling on his bum in the middle of the department, he proceeded to roll himself a ciggie and smoke it.

                                                                               source


Mrs Purple - comes in daily, sometimes 3 or 4 times, always by ambulance. She wears a purple tracksuit everyday. She always claims she is dizzy or that her lips are tingling. She is also armed with a walking stick and should she not like you, she will deliver a swift blow to the head.

                                                                           source

Mr Green - a sweet man. Also an alcoholic. Always comes complaining of something minor. After you have told him he is ok, he asks for a sandwich and a cup of tea.

I actually enjoy seeing these patients. Although they are wasting NHS funds, they are real characters and have their own problems.



LMM

xoxo

Amsterdam

Today, after a 9-day-in-a-row stint, I am finally off for a few days and The Boyf and I are heading to Amsterdam.

The cafes, the cheese, the tulips, the Van Gogh Museum.................

My last shift yesterday, proved to be a big send off. I had the worst patients ever, but the cherry on top was when a blue call came in. This usually means the patient is extremely sick or injured and a few doctors are available to deal with the patient. The patient was so drunk his GCS was 3/15 ie he was literally not conscious AT ALL! This guy comes in at least once a week and was only discharged 2 days earlier. He is always so drunk that he often ends up having a brain scan, because we can't be sure its just due to alcohol (he has had over 200 brain scans and will probably get cancer from all the radiation). When we started undressing him, we saw that he had delightfully shat himself. He then vomited and starting coughing up copious amounts of brown crap that went everywhere. After 3 hours of dealing with this guy, I felt like I was covered in shit from head to toe. It was disgusting! I had to become an obligate mouth breather and when I got home, I threw my scrubs in the bin and had the longest shower ever! Alot of wine was consumed last night and as I am packing my suitcase, which will be carry on luggage!!!!!, I am nursing a slight headache thanks to unknown white male.

LMM

xoxo

Drunks

 

                                                                       source


Why are drunk patients the MOST annoying type of patient?

Yesterday I had 2 such patients. Susan and Paul.

Paul drank 3 litres of cider a day. He decided to come to the A+E because he had a problem with his one leg that was swollen. It had been swollen for 6 months, but today it was so sore he could hardly make it out of the house to buy the standard cider and decided that something had to be done, as this was now serious.

Susan drank 1/2 a bottle of vodka and smoked 30 cigarettes a day. She had drunken her poor pancreas into absolution and was vomiting her guts out and in severe pain. Vodka will do that to you...


On a lighter note, the giveaway has closed and the winner will be announced tomorrow :)


LMM

xoxo

Disaster Mayhem Dispair

The lack of posting these last few days can only be attributed to the complete disaster evening I had last Friday.


I lost my blackberry phone...



I never knew how much I depended on it...



I was drunk...



again...



I have no idea where I lost it :(



I have felt lost and out of touch with the world...



So today I am off to purchase myself a new phone...



Woo Hoo!



LMM

xoxo

LMM gets boozed

                                                                     source


Last night I went out for dinner to celebrate a friend's 30th birthday. It was a casual dinner with a few glasses of red wine, but I had forgotten what a lightweight I had become in the last year. I don't drink often anymore and if I do, it is usually only a glass or two of wine or a G&T.

Thinking back on the evening, I don't recall behaving badly, though if I think really hard, I may have been a tad loud and interrupted a few conversations. I arrived home from the evening to find The Boyf happily engrossed in the cricket. I decided to shower and go to bed as I had an early start the next day. Our shower is of the shower-over-bath variety and has a fold up glass partition that opens up to prevent drenching the entire floor. I couldn't for the life of me get it to open up. I pulled and yanked but it would not open. I shrieked for the Boyf to help me, but he refused saying I was drunk and should just go to sleep. I continued huffing and puffing whilst trying to figure out what was wrong with the damn door. Evetually I grabbed it from the other side and it miracously opened. It might have not been stuck and I may have been grabbing it from the wrong side the whole time. I eventually climbed into bed, clean and tired, but had completely forgotten the obligatory glass of water and painkillers before bed, this ritual had saved me on many occasions.

I woke up at 6am with a dry mouth that tasted like urinated on cotton wool and a slight pounding in my temples, which would only get worse as the day progressed. I went to the kitchen and immediately downed a can of coke light for breakfast. Next I had to make myself presentable for work. After examining myself in the mirror I could see the telltale signs that I had indeed been inebriated. Mascara was congealed in the corners of my eyes, something I always religiously remove before bed. My lower lip was stained purple as were my teeth. GREAT! I know from experience that no matter how hard you try and rub your lips, that won't come off for the next 24 hours. I would have to proceed through the day with a violet, round blob on my lip! I tried to brush my lip with my electric toothbrush with no success. I now had a red/purple painful lip.

Eventually, ready to go, I left home for the tube station. There was only one thing that would get me through the day and that was Gaga.......


"He ate my heart, he ate my heart. He ate my heart and then he ate my brain......."

That is exactly how I feel right now......

LMM

xoxo

BFFs

Some people have the strangest relationships...........

One night I was working in the heart of Kwa-Zulu Natal on the night of the Kaizer Chiefs vs Orlando Pirates FINAL!

source

source

For those of you not familiar with the local SA soccer clubs, these are the 2 biggest rivals and when this match happens it can only mean one thing......

soccer + beer = drunk fuckers stabbing each other

drunk fuckers stabbing each other + hospital casualty = no sleep for LMM on a Saturday night

I was prepared! I had my cans of Coke and my Crocs on.

02:00am  I called the next patient in. I had no time to be polite at this time of the night. I had been working for 17 hours without a proper break. I had no time to pee and the only sustenance I got was from the hurried slurps of coke in between patients.

Two men entered the room. They had their arms around each other. They were laughing. They were even still drinking their Black Labels. But.....they were bleeding. Both had lacerations to their faces, heads and arms. But they are BFFs.

I asked them what had happened. Had someone attacked them? Had they been robbed, but come off lucky, still retaining their beers?

Drunk Fucker 1: No Dokotela, this one here drank my beer and so smashed a bottle on his head.

Drunk Fucker 2: No it was my beer!

LMM: You did this to each other?

Drunk Fucker 1 and Drunk Fucker 2 (in unison): Yes!

This may sound like a horrific turn of events, but it happens quite often. Friends are out, they have a few beers, they get annoyed with each other and instead of speaking or arguing, they just stab each other and are BFFs afterwards.

LMM: I need to suture both of you. Drunk Fucker 1 you're first.

Drunk Fucker 1: Dokotela, can you give me something for the pain.

LMM: I will give you a small injection first so that you don't feel the stitches and some painkillers for afterwards.

Drunk Fucker 1: An injection? No! I am scared of needles.

LMM: It's just a small one. Much less painful then being stabbed.

Drunk Fucker 1: No! I don't want it.

LMM: Well we need to do the stiches and it will be painful without anaesthetic.................OK small injection now........No, hold still..........Don't move!.........NO! LIE STILL!

At this point I have nearly injected myself in the eye as Drunk Fucker 1 will not lie still.

Drunk Fucker 1: Noooooooo...........Jesu,save me.............Awehhhhhhhh maaaaaaaaaaa!

Drunk Fucker 2: Bahahahaha......(falls off the stretcher whilst pointing and laughing at Drunk Fucker 1)

                                                                            source

Let's just say that I will be sure to mark all the match days off in my diary and avoid being on call on those weekends!

LMM

xoxo

Barney and Friends.......

I don't know what it is with me and drunk people. They seem to gravitate towards me.

Weekend night. In the A+E. My new patient is Barney. Barney has had a ridiculous amount to drink and somehow has been decked in one eye and remembers NOTHING! No surprises there.

I walk over to where he is sitting and quickly glance over my new patient. 1 x blue, swollen eye. 1 x cut on back of head (probably when he fell over after being punched) and 1 x vomit smeared down left side of face.
AWESOME!

LMM: So Barney, what happened?

B: I dunno.

LMM: You don't remember anything?

B: Nope!

LMM: Did someone perhaps punch you?

B: Yeah! I fink so (great London accent)

LMM: So you were drinking and then someone punched you and you don't know what happened after that?

B: Yeah

LMM: Do you take any medication?

At this stage he pulls out a Tesco's packet with all his meds inside. I have no idea why he would be carrying this around with him, but who knows what Barney's P of A is. As he rifles in his plastic bag, he pulls out a book and holds it under his face so I can read the title, "Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Programme". It is almost as if he is posing for a photo.

LMM: So how is that going for you Barney?

B: OK, I guess.

LMM: Well it seems that you may have fallen off the proverbial "wagon".

B: Huh?

This could be perfect for a "How not to be a member of the AA" advert.

1. Do not drink and then get the crap kicked out of you.

2. If you do drink, do not leave vomit dribbling from your mouth.

3. If you are found drunk, do not reveal secret AA identity and under no circumstances are you to show anyone your AA book.

So I guess Barney failed on all three points.


LMM

xoxo

Drunks

The one thing that could be vaguely worse than an old, urine drenched Granny is a drunk.

I have been exposed to many drunk patients....from the Cape Coloured Bergie to the Panga Wielding Zulu, but last night I got to experience the Footie Hooligan's Wife. No one can be quite as crass or disgusting as her.

The paramedics bought in the lovely couple after they were kicked out of the pub. They had somehow both fallen over and now had head injuries. I could hear them arrive in the A+E before I saw them.

Each one was in their own wheelcair, being escorted by a paramedic. You could tell from a quick glance that there was nothing seriously wrong with either of them. They were wheeled out into the waiting room, as they had been deemed non-urgent and could wait out there with everyone else.

Hooligan's Wife: Where are you taking me?

Paramedic: To the waiting room. You can stay there until it's your turn to be seen.

HW: But I can't go out there! I'm sick!

PM: Not sick enough according to them.

HW: I am sick! I've got cancer.

Cancer, now that was one that I hadn't heard before.

As they moved closer to the waiting room, I couldn't hear what they were saying but then I heard a loud, barely distinguishable wail......

HW: Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnccccccccccccceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I turned to my colleagues...

LMM: Last one to put their thumb on their forehead gets Mrs Rooney

My thumb hit my forehead so quick, you couldn't even say Rooney in time.


LMM

xoxo