Some people have the strangest relationships...........

One night I was working in the heart of Kwa-Zulu Natal on the night of the Kaizer Chiefs vs Orlando Pirates FINAL!

For those of you not familiar with the local SA soccer clubs, these are the 2 biggest rivals and when this match happens it can only mean one thing......

soccer + beer = drunk fuckers stabbing each other

drunk fuckers stabbing each other + hospital casualty = no sleep for LMM on a Saturday night

I was prepared! I had my cans of Coke and my Crocs on.

02:00am  I called the next patient in. I had no time to be polite at this time of the night. I had been working for 17 hours without a proper break. I had no time to pee and the only sustenance I got was from the hurried slurps of coke in between patients.

Two men entered the room. They had their arms around each other. They were laughing. They were even still drinking their Black Labels. But.....they were bleeding. Both had lacerations to their faces, heads and arms. But they are BFFs.

I asked them what had happened. Had someone attacked them? Had they been robbed, but come off lucky, still retaining their beers?

Drunk Fucker 1: No Dokotela, this one here drank my beer and so smashed a bottle on his head.

Drunk Fucker 2: No it was my beer!

LMM: You did this to each other?

Drunk Fucker 1 and Drunk Fucker 2 (in unison): Yes!

This may sound like a horrific turn of events, but it happens quite often. Friends are out, they have a few beers, they get annoyed with each other and instead of speaking or arguing, they just stab each other and are BFFs afterwards.

LMM: I need to suture both of you. Drunk Fucker 1 you're first.

Drunk Fucker 1: Dokotela, can you give me something for the pain.

LMM: I will give you a small injection first so that you don't feel the stitches and some painkillers for afterwards.

Drunk Fucker 1: An injection? No! I am scared of needles.

LMM: It's just a small one. Much less painful then being stabbed.

Drunk Fucker 1: No! I don't want it.

LMM: Well we need to do the stiches and it will be painful without anaesthetic.................OK small injection now........No, hold still..........Don't move!.........NO! LIE STILL!

At this point I have nearly injected myself in the eye as Drunk Fucker 1 will not lie still.

Drunk Fucker 1: Noooooooo...........Jesu,save me.............Awehhhhhhhh maaaaaaaaaaa!

Drunk Fucker 2: Bahahahaha......(falls off the stretcher whilst pointing and laughing at Drunk Fucker 1)


Let's just say that I will be sure to mark all the match days off in my diary and avoid being on call on those weekends!



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