I have said this countless times, although I never can quite say it enough...
NOTHING and I say nothing, brings out the crazy like a woman in labour!
I was on call on Friday night. It was the usual combo of millions of caesars and fun and games in the labour ward. When you have worked in a labour ward for a while, you don't even notice the screaming of women giving birth. It just becomes the norm to have shrieking, grunting and even crying as background noise.
ENTER 19 year old patient.......no....19 year old CRAZY patient! This patient definitely used drugs. No amounts of morphine could dull her pain and she only weighted 45kg. This little package of dynamite came without front teeth, a foul mouth and with the biggest attitude I have ever seen. During labour, she broke expensive equipment that monitors the baby's heart rate, swore at me on multiple occasions, pinched me and even tried to hit me. Her favourite was to scream "Mooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyy" during each contraction. I eventually phoned her Mom, thinking she might instill some sanity. She was a 20 year older version of the patient, and now I had 2 of them to deal with.
As the baby's head was crowning, she refused to push, instead choosing to stick her hands into her vagina. How this was going to help, I did not know, unless she wanted to deliver her own baby, anyhoo. The absolute best was when she started pinching her own nipples and screaching "Jesus!". The baby's head had not moved a millimetre. When we ordered her to push, she grunted with all her might, yet the baby's head went nowhere. Eventually after much coaxing the little thing was born absolutely flat and very lifeless. After giving it some oxygen and good rub down, it eventually started crying. As I dried the small infant, I said to it...
"Sorry small baby, but your Mom is fucked in the head. Your life will not be easy!"
Mean, but true!