The Royal Wedding

Sitting in a pub at 11am in London, might be construed as a bit sad, but when you are sipping English Breakfast tea and watching The Royal Wedding, it is absolute bliss.

Today was a magnificent spectacle that will surely be remembered for years to come and luckily I was here when it all went down. From getting the first glimpse of The Breathtaking Dress, the lovely nuptials and of course Harry in uniform, there was something for everyone.

And how gorgeous is Phillipa Middleton?

                                                      The First Kiss

The poor Boyf had to listen to me gush and make comments regarding every one's dress, including a minor outburst in the pub when I eventually spotted Posh and Becks.

For us commoners, it was the fairytale wedding that we dream about! But don't lose hope yet ladies........




Some Moms are RETARDS!

When you push a baby out your vajayjay, it does not mean that you suddenly have this wealth of knowledge required to be a good parent. You could still be a retard.........

Mom 1: When your child has diarrhoea, give them jelly powder and it causes all the runny poo to coagulate and stick together, therefore no more diarrhoea.

Mom 2: Don't give your child raisins when they are small, because they stay in the windpipe and one day they will have that final raisin that blocks the "windpipe" and then they can't breathe and die......

Before you spread these amazing myths, read a book after procreating to prevent retardness or just use a condom (probably a better option).




A Week in December

I have just finished this book. It was my first read in my new bookclub, where each month someone picks a book and we all read it. Previous bookclubs have involved too much wine and gossip, whilst a pile of books lie discarded in the corner, so its nice to have something intelluctual to report back at the end of each month, with a glass of wine :)

Unfortunately I missed the last meeting and decided to blog my thoughts instead.

The story is set in London in one week in December in 2007. Living in london and reading this book, whilst on the tube, made it very real and I loved saying in my head "I've been there!" The story is made up of various characters, who are linked in some way or other. It has a little bit for everyone; the soccer star, the radical Muslim, Reality TV, a love story and a few dinner parties.

My favourite character was the Tube driver and following her romance. I kept waiting for a big climax in the book and it never came. I was a bit disappointed at the end of it, but loved every moment and page.

Have you read it? What do you think?




Barney and Friends.......

I don't know what it is with me and drunk people. They seem to gravitate towards me.

Weekend night. In the A+E. My new patient is Barney. Barney has had a ridiculous amount to drink and somehow has been decked in one eye and remembers NOTHING! No surprises there.

I walk over to where he is sitting and quickly glance over my new patient. 1 x blue, swollen eye. 1 x cut on back of head (probably when he fell over after being punched) and 1 x vomit smeared down left side of face.

LMM: So Barney, what happened?

B: I dunno.

LMM: You don't remember anything?

B: Nope!

LMM: Did someone perhaps punch you?

B: Yeah! I fink so (great London accent)

LMM: So you were drinking and then someone punched you and you don't know what happened after that?

B: Yeah

LMM: Do you take any medication?

At this stage he pulls out a Tesco's packet with all his meds inside. I have no idea why he would be carrying this around with him, but who knows what Barney's P of A is. As he rifles in his plastic bag, he pulls out a book and holds it under his face so I can read the title, "Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Programme". It is almost as if he is posing for a photo.

LMM: So how is that going for you Barney?

B: OK, I guess.

LMM: Well it seems that you may have fallen off the proverbial "wagon".

B: Huh?

This could be perfect for a "How not to be a member of the AA" advert.

1. Do not drink and then get the crap kicked out of you.

2. If you do drink, do not leave vomit dribbling from your mouth.

3. If you are found drunk, do not reveal secret AA identity and under no circumstances are you to show anyone your AA book.

So I guess Barney failed on all three points.





The one thing that could be vaguely worse than an old, urine drenched Granny is a drunk.

I have been exposed to many drunk patients....from the Cape Coloured Bergie to the Panga Wielding Zulu, but last night I got to experience the Footie Hooligan's Wife. No one can be quite as crass or disgusting as her.

The paramedics bought in the lovely couple after they were kicked out of the pub. They had somehow both fallen over and now had head injuries. I could hear them arrive in the A+E before I saw them.

Each one was in their own wheelcair, being escorted by a paramedic. You could tell from a quick glance that there was nothing seriously wrong with either of them. They were wheeled out into the waiting room, as they had been deemed non-urgent and could wait out there with everyone else.

Hooligan's Wife: Where are you taking me?

Paramedic: To the waiting room. You can stay there until it's your turn to be seen.

HW: But I can't go out there! I'm sick!

PM: Not sick enough according to them.

HW: I am sick! I've got cancer.

Cancer, now that was one that I hadn't heard before.

As they moved closer to the waiting room, I couldn't hear what they were saying but then I heard a loud, barely distinguishable wail......

HW: Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnccccccccccccceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I turned to my colleagues...

LMM: Last one to put their thumb on their forehead gets Mrs Rooney

My thumb hit my forehead so quick, you couldn't even say Rooney in time.




Granny Medic

The most horrific thing happened to me yesterday..........

I found a grey hair!

On MY head.....

shock SHOCK, horror Horror!

I was in so much shock, I just stared at it in the mirror. Eventually I plucked it from my crown. I examined it closely. It could be a VERY blonde hair! A very blonde hair...........couldn't it?

I spent the rest of the day pondering my life. The grey hair signified how short it could be. I was OLD! And unmarried! With no children! And no car! And no permanent job!

So from now on I shall be Granny Medic!




Amnesia Bob Part 3

Recap of Part 1 and Part 2......................

Amnesia Bob was wheeled back to his cubicle after his CT scan.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"OK. Did I fall?"

"Read your list."

"OK.....Had a fall......won't scar..."

"Do you recognise me at all?"


Shit! No improvement. I reviewed the scan, his brain looked normal, no bleeding or masses. I would wait for the radiologist's report. He could have always been like this? HIV-encephalopathy? Neurosyphilis? I went back to ask him a few more questions.

"Do you have any family we can phone, try to find out what happened?"

"I live alone and my family is in Belgium. We don't have much contact."

"Any friends here?"

"I can't remember."

"Do you remember any important phone numbers?"

"No. Where am I?"

"List!" I answered abruptly as I walked out.

No family or friends to get a baseline history from. I looked at the scan report - NORMAL. Double SHIT! What was I going to do with him now? I couldn't refer him to any speciality. There was nothing clinically wrong with him, except for this bizarre amnesia. The medics would laugh at me. The neurologists would slam down the phone.

Not being able to refer him, meant discharge. But I couldn't send him home! He couldn't remember a damn thing. I decided to admit him overnight to the Short Stay Ward, we could figure out what to do with him in the morning.

I accompanied him to the ward for a hand over. I felt protective over Amnesia Bob. I didn't want to leave him in the hands of someone else.

I went back to work and after a few hours, my shift finally ended. I decided to pop in and see how Bob was doing.

"Hi. How are you feeling?"

"OK, I guess."

"I stitched your lip."
His hand moved towards his mouth, confused.

"Its on the list," I added.
As he reread his list, I slipped away.

Two days later, I returned for another locum shift. I had been thinking of Amnesia Bob after that night, but as with all patients, I had forgotten about him and gotten on with daily life. I was curious as to what had happened to him. I went to the Short Stay Ward, to see what I could find out. I asked one of the nurses, but she hadn't been on duty when he was discharged. The doctor there couldn't remember him, until I started to describe him.

"Mid forties, laceration on his lip, remembers nothing, has a list with numbers and points on it......"

"Oh yes. That list was life-saving!"

"I wrote it for him."

"He was discharged yesterday."

"Was he OK?"

"Yes. in the morning everything came back to him. He was assaulted by a gang as he was taking out the recycling."

"Explains the wellies."


"Never mind. Anyway, thanks."
Amnesia Bob had remembered. Yay for Bob!





My little heart was shattered into a trillion pieces when I heard that Michael Buble got married recently. Seriously? He found someone better than moi? I know it was a long shot, and by long shot, I mean to Venus and back, but still....to find out my dream crooner had married some Argentinian soapie actress, Luisana Lopilato (the alliteration drives me mad), caused me a certain amount of pain.

I haven't LOVED Michael (note first name basis) for his looks, although they aren't bad, I have loved him for his voice. When he opens his mouth and sings, I literally fall in love with him! So much so, that when he performed at Kirstenbosch Gardens in Cape Town, I abandoned my family picnic spot, sprinted to the front and proceeded to scream "I love you Michael" for the full 2 hour show.

I am an admitted groupie, even The Boyf knows I would leave him in a flash for The Buble.

So imagine my horror when I see this.......

and THIS...........


I can't be nice. She is gorgeous, but that Gypsy wedding style dress is hideous, not to mention that The Buble has packed on a few pounds in the cheek area. And get this..........he offered to sing at the wedding and she said "NO, I want Ricardo Montaner." WTF? Who is that? Who in their right mind asks him not to sing and asks for some unknown loser? Seriously?

While the "happy" couple were tying the knot in Buenos Aires, their home was robbed! See what happens when you don't choose the right person Michael!

 Karma is a bitch!




Amnesia Bob Part 2

If you haven't read Part 1, see here!

I had left him again as I couldn't face answering another question. What was I going to tell him anyway, he would only ask me again when I came back. I went to the nurses' station to collect myself.

I couldn't get angry with this poor guy. He had just fallen down a flight of stairs and was now in limbo, like that guy in Memento, the movie. He couldn't make new memories and every five minutes he would "re-set". He had tattooed important things that he needed to remember on his body.

That's it! I would make him a list of what had happened.

1. You fell down your stairwell

2. The ambulance bought you to The ________________________ Hospital

3. We know that you are HIV positive and under Dr Brown

4. Your flat is secure

5. I do not know why you are wearing wellies

I went back to the cubicle.

"I've made you a list of what happened to you. If you want to ask any questions, first look at the list. If the answer isn't there, then ask me."
He took the piece of paper.

"Oh, I had a fall...........OK...........Dr Brown.........."
"I am going to do some blood tests and a CT scan of your head, so we can find out what is wrong with you. I also need to stitch that cut on your lip."
"Is it a bad cut?"

"No, but it needs a few sutures."

"Will it scar?"

"I'll do my best to make sure that it doesn't. I'll just go get a suture tray."
I returned, ready to fix his face.

"OK, so just a few stitches in your lip and then off to CT."

"What's wrong with my lip?"

"It just needs a few stitches."

"Will it scar?"

"Why don't we add this to your list!"

6. Your lip needs stitches

7. It shouldn't scar

After the stitching, he went off to CT for a brain scan. I had a moment to breathe and saw some minor patients in the meantime.

...........find out how it all ends in Part 3


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