Today I would like to introduce you to Minnie Mouse. Let me take a moment to digress....When famous celebs check into hotels, they often use fake names. I had a patient who did that today...
Enter Minnie Mouse...
She didn't actually call herself that, but I like the ring to it. I have seen a lot of kinds of crazy before. Working in psych wards, you get to see all colours of the rainbow when it comes to psych patients. But today I got to see a new kinda crazy. Minnie Mouse, is what you would call a board certified LOON!
She came in today to get tested for HIV as she had slept with someone 10 days ago and the condom fell off. She had waited painstakingly for those 10 days to elapse, because you can only do the test after 10 days.
She walked into the room and before I could say anything...
"So I had sex with this guy and I think I might have HIV. Could I have HIV? Do you think I have it? Tell me as a friend, be honest. Do I have HIV?....." and HIV is pronounced Hach-I-V in England.
"OK, calm down and tell me what happened and why you think you could have HIV," I replied evenly.
She tells me the story and suddenly bursts into tears. She fishes boxes of tablets out of her handbag.
"See I'm very anxious so I have to take all of these pills. They keep me calm, but I haven't been taking them. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I'm going to die! I have HIV!"
This continues for another 20 minutes.
"I gave a fake name, cos I'm worried the bank will see that I've tested and not give me a loan....." hence the Minne Mouse. And since when did HSBC have the power to access medical records?
"I am so worried. Do you think I have HIV? I am never going to have sex EVER again!" Ya right!
I took her bloods after showing her the clean needle 4 times and then proceeded to complete the forms.
"The blood results will be out in 4-5 working days, so that means you can phone us on Monday for the results." I explained.
"Why does it take so long? Do they go overseas?" she squeaked.
"No, its just that the test is specialised and takes that long to be performed."
"Ok, I'll just stay here and wait for the results then, " she stated matter of factly.
"Well you can't stay here for 4 days, that just isn't possible," RETARD!
"So you will start the test now?"
"No, it has to go to a lab. We send it via courier and then they start the test."
I start filling out the from.
"Can you mark that urgent and ask it to be ready for Saturday?"
"I can mark it urgent, but it takes 4-5 days so it won't be ready then." How many more times must I explain this?
"But can you write for Saturday on it?"
"Ok, I will." I mark it urgent, but leave out the Saturday as the Lab will think that I'm a retard.
"Can I see the form, so I can check you wrote Saturday?" Good God!!!!
I reluctantly hand over the form.
"You didn't write Saturday," she said accusingly.
"Ok, I'll add it!"
"Can I see now, I need to make sure."
I hand over the form, where I have added Saturday in miniscule writing.
"Can I wait for the courier, so I can ask him to make it for Saturday?"
"No, you can't. he just collects the sample and takes it to the Lab. Please don't harrass him, he has nothing to do with the test."
"But can I just see him and have a chat with him?"
"Ok, can I just see you give the blood to him?"
I am going to kill this woman!
She ended up waiting in the reception area and plaguing the receptionist, for the next hour, pleading her to tell her that she didn't have HIV. She finally left and for the next 3 days she phoned every 2 hours to see if the results are back. People like that should not have sex. EVER.