I have just gotten home from a night shift. I hate night shifts. They leave you feeling dazed, nauseous and like you just travelled to Hong Kong and back. A night shift isn't the same without some crazy patients to keep you going...
In the early hours of this morning I saw Mr Green in the A+E. He had a cellulitis of his left leg, basically a swollen, red, infected leg. It would only get better with antibiotics injected into his vein, rather than the oral kind. I don't know if Mr Green was drunk or just strange, but he was some kinda crazy...
LMM: OK Mr Green I need to put a drip in your hand so we can give you the antibiotics.
Mr Green: No problem, I just want my leg sorted out.
LMM: Now just hold your hand still....you'll feel a small prick and then it will all.....no Mr Green, hold still.
Mr Green: Jesus Christ, that was like an electric current going through my hand.
By now he has yanked his hand away and the cannula that was neatly inserted in his vein has now been YANKED out.
LMM: Mr Green, we are going to have to try that again, because you moved. Just try hold still this time.
Mr Green: OK, I promise I won't move.
LMM: Mr Green I said HOLD STILL PLEASE!!!!...............Now we have to start all over again.
Mr Green: I'm sorry but that is the worst pain that I have even felt in my life. Giving birth wouldn't be as painful!
LMM: Last try now otherwise you'll just have to go home and your leg will turn gangrenous and fall off (I love embellishing to patients)
Mr Green: Dear God please help this doctor in putting this needle in my hand. Please guide her in her ability to not hurt me and get it right.
Now I have heard it all! How about this rather....
Mr Green: Dear God, please help me to hold still for this amazing doctor, who is so tired. Help me to stop being a wimp and help me to see that this minor pain can in no way be compared to pushing a human through your va-jay-jay!