Freaky Patients

Thought I'd do a recap of some of this week's pearler patients.

I started the week off being very upbeat and excited about being back at work.

LMM:  Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?

Patient 1: Well...I...um...did a stupid thing...and I don't want my wife to know.....and.....um...I wanna test for...um....STDs.

LMM:  OK, when did you last have unprotected sex?

Patient 1: On Monday with.....um.....a prostitute.....in Thailand.......in a bar......and then on.....Tuesday.....with a Ladyboy.
(Ok the ladyboy thing isn't true, but makes for a nice twist.)

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LMM:  Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?

Patient 2:  So yeah, I was in like, um, Soho and had a bit of a rag and I wanna get tested. (Imagine the American accent)

LMM: What is a rag? And what would you like to test for? We offer a range of tests......HIV, Hepatitis B and C, Herpes, Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea, Syphillis, HPV.

Patient 2: Yeah, I'll do the whole lot I guess.

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LMM:  Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?

Patient 3:  I would like to test for HIV.

LMM:  OK. I just need to drop of blood to do the test. I'm going to prick your finger with this needle.

Patient 3:  Is that a clean needle?

LMM:  Yes

Patient 3: Can you open another one so I can make sure its new?

LMM:  Sure.

Patient 3:  Is that a new needle?

LMM: Yes, I just opened it in front of you.

Patient 3: Ok ok. Can you just open one more? So I'm sure......
                           
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LMM: Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?


Patient 4:  I have a sore foreskin.




STOP!

I cannot take it anymore, all this sleeping around and having to mop up your STD mess. Use a condom for heaven's sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!


ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Now I feel like this.......

LMM

xoxo