Hello my lovelies. Sorry I have been MIA for the past few days, work has just been so hectic and I am still finding my feet. I did my first call on Friday night. This basically involves starting work on Friday morning at 8am and then working till 12pm the next day. For the last 2 years the longest shift I have done, has been a meager 12 hours, so I was shitting myself. How would I stay awake? I also accidentally left my CROCS in the UK. You can diss them all you want, they are ugly, they are fucking ugly! BUT they are heaven to wear when you have been going for 22 hours straight. I wore my New Balance trainers from 2001. They did not do the job and my poor feet were left feeling very tender when I got home.
The call went OK. I didn't get any sleep, but was so busy I didn't even feel tired. Everything was going well until 4am. A pregnant lady came in who had been at the clinic for 8 hours. Her baby was in fetal distress (not getting enough oxygen) and she should have been referred HOURS ago. We rushed her to theatre. I did the caesar and pulled out a blue, not breathing baby. The baby was resuscitated for 30 minutes but died a few hours later. It was a horrific event for a first call back and I was an emotional wreck afterwards. As I counselled the mother, she started to cry and I have a strict rule, never to be emotional in front of patients. But I couldn't. I balled like baby and have been carrying this heaviness with me ever since. I know things don't always turn out as expected and there is a lot of loss in the medical field, but it was too much for me to handle. I really don't want a death to be like water off a duck's back, to me it is still huge and if I am not touched by it, I know I have lost my humanity.
RIP
LMM
xoxo
4 comments:
you're not alone friend. my nephew is also a babycatcher and he finds the loss of a brand new life very hard to take. can't always muster the "stiff upper lip and carry on" attitude.
Oh my goodness! I can only imagine your pain! And I personally dont think that it is wrong to be upset. What you do is heroic, it is so well respected and admired. I know you have to try and be 'emotionally distant' from patients but gosh to lose a life is hectic and its okay to feel the pain. I am so sorry for the loss. You did your absolute best to try and save it and thats what matters xxx
I know how you feel, totally know. Just something so tiny and fragile that really could have lived had circumstances been different. I had a delivery with 19week miscarriage, except being my first non-term delivery I wasn't prepared. Two male twins came out alive, and kicking, except they were tiny. Perfectly formed but tiny at about 500g each and little hands the size of my thumb. I tried to speak to the patient, but her native Xhosa made counselling difficult because poor skills conversing in it too. I left feeling useless. The little ones pasted away after 30minutes or so. How messed up is that? They were born, and then I watched them die. My atheist self left feeling rather weird and philosophical about life. I had never been faced with something so reflective and challenging - although I didn't cry I did feel like a zombie that week. A bit emotional untouchable and offish to the world. Like that had sucked just about all the emotional juice I had in me for the time.
I get it.
You did well just being natural, genuine. I'm sure that mom appreciated something to cry with - or besides that just be there when she was crying.
Kath.
Thanks for all the kind words! xoxo
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