Waxing War Stories

Whilst I write this blog post, I am sitting in First Class on a train to Manchester, sipping on a G+T. The Boyf made his much awaited return today, its been a long 2 months. In preparation for his arrival, I made a much needed trip to the local beauty salon for some grooming...

I had been there before but hadn't had a dreaded bikini wax there. It turned out to be an utter disaster, there was a lot of me-trying-not to-scream, a few tears and a nazi type therapist, who kept telling me to "open wider". Needless to say, I will never be returning there, as it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

Later that day, I arrived at the A+E, walking like cowboy! I spent most of the night seeing random, minor things. Around 11pm, the senior reg asked me if I would see a patient, who was requesting a female doctor. This can only mean one thing. She has a va-jay-jay problem. GREAT!

I escorted her into an examination cubicle and began taking a history. She too had been for a wax that day. Except she came home BLEEDING. Patients always make things sound worse then they are, and on examination I expected to find something totally minor. Only I didn't. Much to this poor patient's horror. She had a 3cm laceration on said va-jay-jay. It must've happened during overenthusiastic waxing/ripping. She hadn't been able to have a look there, but only noticed a large amount of bleeding. I almost decided to put in sutures, but after a moment's thought decided that it would heal fine on its own, and be more comfortable sans stitches. The poor girl asked me to write a letter to the Beauty Salon, stating what I had found.

So Tuesday's Tip, is to think carefully where you will go for your regular "grooming".

Gogo X

When I was a little intern doing Orthopaedics, I had a very scary Reg. (registrar - doctor who's specialising). His name was J, not Dr J, just J. He was bald, he was never without a cigarette and he was mean. So mean, he even made me cry. He prayed on weak, little, white girls, destroying their confidence within mere seconds. I had the priviledge of being on call with him for a WHOLE weekend.

We were sitting in the tearoom having a break, when the ward phoned me to say,

"Dokotela, you must come quick!"

I had learnt quickly, to not race to the ward, as it was often only a minor thing that was needed such as a signature on a death certificate, but luckily in Orthopaedics, no one died, or infrequently.

"Is it a patient?"

"Yes, it is Gogo X. You must come quick!"

Gogo X was a 80-something year old Gogo, who had broken her hip and was awaiting a hip replacement, which could sometimes take weeks. She was in the ward until then, bedbound (or so we thought).

"Is Gogo X still breathing?"

The usual response is "No she is GAAAASPing!"

"Yes," the nurse admitted.

"OK I'll be there in 10 minutes."

J had overheard the conversation....

"Right let's go see what it is," he barked.

What? He never troubled himself with minor things such as ward work. Why did he want to come with? I put it down to sheer boredom.

I headed for the stairs, as it is was only 2 flights up, but J NEVER took the stairs and would wait for a lift, no matter how long it took, even for one floor. So as his junior, I stood next to him whilst we filled the silence with awkward toe-tapping and thumb-twiddling.

As we finally walked into the female orthopaedics ward, nothing could prepare me for the sight we were about to witness.

Gogo X was standing! Yip standing. On a broken hip. And she was wielding a crutch. Around her were about 9 "security" guards fanned out in a circle. (I say "security" because if you've ever worked in a government hosiptal, you will know that these are the most useless fuckers around! The only time you ever need them, is when restraining a patient and then they miraculously vanish. They are almost as useless as the lab "receptionist".)

Anyway....she was swishing her crutch around trying to hit the useless fuckers. She was ranting something in Zulu, and quite frankly looked completely off her rocker, which is common in the 80-something category. J marched up to her and grabbed her by the neck of her hospital gown. He lifted her effortlessly with one hand and plonked her back in her cot bed. I meanwhile had got a syringe of diazepam, to knock Gogo X out, before she fractured her "good" hip. J restrained her, whilst the security guards looked on, completely amazed. I quickly applied a tourniquet and was injecting her as she turned to me....

"Haai voetsek!" she screamed at me as she spat in my face.

Yip. She. Had. Just. Spat.In My. Face.

Before I knew what was happening, J had grabbed her head and turned it to face him.

" Don't you EVER f*%king spit in a doctor's face! EVER! She is trying to help you!" he roared.

He instantly spat back in her face. Not just a small bit of spittle, but a proper honk-it-up-from-within-Zulu-style spit. As if it was a completely natural thing to do in return.

He frog-marched me out of the ward and back to the tearoom and made me a cup of tea.

And that was the day that the mad-bald-spitting J, became my hero.........


LMM

xoxo

TV F$%K Ups

I'm having a very boring day at the Office.

Here is something to cheer you guys up!

It seems like she has either had one too many whiskeys or has a severe form of aphasia.

An oldie, but a goodie!

And she represents Americans....................?


LMM

xoxo

BAFTAs

DAY 2

Unfortunately Day 2 of Bikram Yoga 10 day challenge did not happen and I know excuses are for the weak, but I ran out of time!

Onto more interesting things.............the BAFTAs.
So if you've just crawled out from under a rock, this is the British Academy of Film and Television Arts....ie The Oscars, but in England.
It all happened on Sunday the 13th at a rainy Covent Garden.

The King's Speech raked in an astonishing seven awards with the two most coveted being, Best picture and Best Actor, which was awarded to a rather shy Colin Firth.

                                                                               source

The bizarre Helena Bonham Carter won Supporting Actress and gave the strangest acceptance speech, about how she never likes to win and is so used to losing. She is a real character and I was quite surprised to see her dressed in something normal, black Vivenne Westwood.

I was thrilled that Natalie Portman won the much deserved Best Actress, but as she is heavily preganant, she was not there to accept the award. Other winners consisted of Geoffery Rush for Best Supporting Actor and The Social Network for Best Director.

The most exciting part for me is always the fashion, and here are some of the highlights...

                                                        Emma Arteton in YSL

                                                          Jessica Alba in Versace

Talulah Riley in Escada

                                                        Claire Danes in Burberry

                                           Thandie Newton in Monique Lhuiller

                                                              Jameela Jamil in D&G

source



LMM

xoxo