Demonic Druggie

I completely jinxed myself. Last week I wrote a post about how I was working the Easter weekend and that all I hoped for was that I didn't get a tik patient coming in. I just had to bloody say that! (mistake number 1) Why???????

The night (Easter Monday) hadn't been going so badly until at 4am, when everyone seemed to realise the long weekend was over and they could all rock up to the labour ward en masse. At least a half dozen women arrived at the same time. I quickly got my last coke light and told myself it was only 4 hours to go, how bad could the rest of the call really be? (mistake number 2). A clinic had phoned to refer a lady in labour, who was also high on tik. Same shit different day. But this woman, if I can even call her that, was undoubtedly the worst tik patient I have EVER had, and trust me, I've had a few.

She arrived in a wheelchair, screaming. That's perhaps not enough of a descriptive word. She was grunting/screaming like some monster who had just crawled out of a swamp. Her eyes looked wild and she had a facial palsy, probably due to excessive drug use. We quickly got her onto a bed, where she thrashed around kicking myself and the intern (aka The Skivvy) in the arm and chest respectively. We quickly shouted for reinforcements.

Eventually after there were 5 of us holding her, security obvs nowhere to be found, and saw that the head was crowning. The more we tried to get her to open her legs and push, the more she scrambled against the wall, sporadically kicking a leg out at us. For one moment I actually looked at The Skivvy and we both burst out laughing. It was like something out of a demon movie, The Exorcism, like when Marlena was possessed in Days of our Lives (don't act like you don't remember).

Little Miss Medic: Ok, we need you to push so that we can deliver the baby.

Demonic Druggie: Grrrrraaaaaa, arggggghhhhhhh *spitting*

LMM: Listen Lady, if you don't cooperate with us then we can't help you! (mistake 3- aggravating the animal)

Demonic Druggie swipes out with her left grimy hand, scratching my face.

The Skivvy: Oi! Stop that! You don't do that to the doctor! *bless, I've trained him well*

DD: Rrrrhhhhhhwwaaaabbbbbb. Fooooooookkkkkkk jjjjoooooooouuuuuu!

LMM: Sister, you deliver the baby and we'll each hold a limb down.

As the midwife leans forward and examines to see how high up the baby's head is, Demonic Druggie thrusts her hand into the midwife's crotch.

The Skivvy: Oi! You do NOT try to do a vaginal examination on The Midwife!

Eventually the mini human came out, healthy and crying. She literally fell asleep a minute later, not even bothering to acknowledge her new child.

LMM

xoxo

I've got jokes, Mr Jokey

Little Miss Medic: Are you sexually active?

Mrs Plank: No. But my husband is?

LMM: I don't follow. Your husband is having an affair?

MP: No. He's sexually active. I just lie there.

LMM

xoxo

PMH

Past Medical History. We always ask what medical conditions patients have, because they are often retarded and do not volunteer this information.


Little Miss Medic: So Mr Dumbass, do you have any medical conditions?

Mr Dumbass: Nope. I'm healthy.

LMM: Are you on any chronic medication?

MD: Pharmapress, Aspirin, Metformin, Insulin, Zocor and I forget the name of the other white pill. Do you know which one I mean?

LMM: So you have Hypertension, Diabetes and high cholesterol. Those are all medical conditions Mr Dumbass! And no, there are about a million little white pills, I don't know which one you take.

LMM: Have you had any surgeries Mr Dumbass?

MD: No.

LMM: Can you please move over to the examination bed.

*at this point I notice a LARGE surgical scar over his chest*

LMM: Mr Dumbass, how did you get that scar?

MD: Oh yes, I had a triple bypass last year.

LMM: Again, that is a past surgery. So when I ask if you have had any surgeries, a major cardiac one would be a good reply in this instance!

*sigh*


LMM

xoxo

Ablutions

Mondays seem to be the bane of my life! It was the gynae clinic again today, and after last week, I didn't think I had the strength to get through it.


Little Miss Medic: Hello Mrs Nincompoop. How can I help you today?

Mrs Nincompoop: I have a problem with my lady bits.

LMM: Well, this is the gynae clinic, so you've come to the right place. What seems to be the problem?

MN: I have sewerage.

LMM: I don't understand. Sewerage?

MN: Yes, sewerage. Its coming out my koek.

LMM: You have a vaginal discharge?

NM: Yes, like I said, sewerage.

LMM: OK. What colour is it?

NM: The colour of sewerage

*Crisis! We were getting nowhere!*

LMM: Can you go and lie on the bed so that I can examine you? Please remove your skirt and panties.

*After a good ten minutes, I draw back the curtain and find Mrs Nincompoop still in her underwear. This is a common finding, strangely enough*

LMM: Mrs Nincompoop, I need you to take off your panties.

NM: Why?

LMM: So that I can examine you and take a swab of the discharge.

NM: Are you going to put the swab inside MY vagina?

LMM: Well I am certainly not going to put it in mine!


*sigh*



LMM

xoxo

Mrs Butternut

Today was the dreaded gynae clinic. By far my least favourite afternoon of the week.

Enter Mrs Butternut, a 84 your old lady with Alzheimer's.


Little Miss Medic: How can I help you today Mrs Butternut?

Mrs Butternut: Well, I have this thingy that has been coming out my vagina. And I need some cream for it.

LMM: What exactly has been coming out?

MB: I'm not sure.

LMM: How long has it been there?

MB: 20 years. But it doesn't worry me, I just need some cream as it gets a bit dry.

LMM: OK, well let's take a look and then we can see what needs to be done.

*Mrs Butternut gets undressed behind the curtain. As I remove the sheet to examine her, I see...

                                                                             source

Yip! A huge, fucking butternut-sized mass hanging out her vagina *


LMM: Mrs Butternut, you can not possibly have been walking around with that hanging out for 20 years.

MB: I have. It doesn't bother me. Like I said, I just need some cream.

LMM: This is ridiculous, your whole vagina is on the outside of your body. Hence why it is so dry. It honestly looks like a baby trying to come out. You can not go home like this. I'm going to insert a ring pessary, to hold it up.

MB: I don't need all these fancy things, just some cream.

LMM: Cream is not going to do anything. That's like having a one-legged man in an ass kicking competition.


Now if this story scares you, and you want to prevent a vaginal butternut from happening, don't forget your kegels Ladies!!!!

                                                                       source

And if all else fails, use some cream!


LMM

({})

xoxo

Bag of Moans

I am doing something that I never do...posting twice in one day, but I just have to!

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Today I had one of the worst days ever. Actually the last few days have been shit. Today was especially shit.


I have started working in an A+E at a new hospital. To say I hate it is putting it mildly. The nursing staff are rude. the patients are always drunk, smelly and annoying and to make matters worse I am working as an Emergency Registrar, which I am not, and means supervising junior doctors.

Lowlights of the Day:

1. Having to take my own patient to the ward. I admitted a patient. She needed to be taken to the ward. I ended up pushing her wheelchair there. All my life I have wanted to be a porter and schlep patents around the hospital! JOY.

2. A patient shat in the A+E again! Seriously? Twice in one week?

3. I got denied for a credit card. How the hell can a doctor not get a credit card in the UK? In SA they send you offers in the post... :(

4. Having a German patient. She noticed my surname was German and that was the end of it. I can speak German, but my medical vocab is terrible as I have never had to use it. So after a shit day I now had to stumble my way through explaining things like fractures and emboli in German.

5. My German patient wanted special treatment and demanded me to phone her medical insurance to explain why she should be upgraded to first class on her flight home.

6. I finally left the hospital only to be stampeded by a psych patient outside. She was German. What are the chances?


Highlights of the Day:

1. Having a G&T in the bath

2. Eating Ben&Jerry's Cookie Dough out of the container for dinner.


I have a sad, sad life!



LMM

xoxo 

Jiving Granny

I saw a patient a few weeks ago. She was 93 and quite demented and had fallen. It was really difficult to get any kind of history out of her and so I headed to the computer to look at her old notes from a year ago...and this is what I found...


"92 year old female was found in her flat with her ethanolic friend at 2 am. They were dancing to Robbie Williams, when the patient fell backwards over her Zimmerframe..."

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Robbie Williams?.......................Good taste :)


LMM

xoxo

A pile of POO!

Last night I was desperately trying to endure the last few hours of my shift when I caught a whiff...no not a whiff...more like stench...

In the medical field there are many disgusting smells that we face on a daily basis; the rotting flesh of a diabetic's foot, the smell of warm placenta and the lovely aroma of an unwashed person, but this was far worse.

I went off to investigate the source of this fetid fragrance. The further I walked in the A+E, the stronger it got. I ended up in the waiting room where the reception was. An inebriated homeless man had decided that this was the perfect place to take a dump. He had literally had the hugest shit in the corner and then fallen over and immersed himself in his own faeculant pile. He was then bought into the department to be seen. I flat out refused to see him and my heart went out to the nurse who undertook the mammoth task of bathing him.

Three hours later as I was taking a break and contemplating having my dinner, the whiff had made its way to the tearoom and I had to give my lasagna a miss.

Seeing patients covered in shit is a common occurrence, but that is usually due to the fact that they are aged and incontinent. This was just too much for me on a Sunday night...

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Hope you had a better weekend!


LMM

xoxo

Pray

I have just gotten home from a night shift. I hate night shifts. They leave you feeling dazed, nauseous and like you just travelled to Hong Kong and back. A night shift isn't the same without some crazy patients to keep you going...

In the early hours of this morning I saw Mr Green in the A+E. He had a cellulitis of his left leg, basically a swollen, red, infected leg. It would only get better with antibiotics injected into his vein, rather than the oral kind. I don't know if Mr Green was drunk or just strange, but he was some kinda crazy...


LMM: OK Mr Green I need to put a drip in your hand so we can give you the antibiotics.

Mr Green: No problem, I just want my leg sorted out.

LMM: Now just hold your hand still....you'll feel a small prick and then it will all.....no Mr Green, hold still.

Mr Green: Jesus Christ, that was like an electric current going through my hand.

By now he has yanked his hand away and the cannula that was neatly inserted in his vein has now been YANKED out.

LMM: Mr Green, we are going to have to try that again, because you moved. Just try hold still this time.

Mr Green: OK, I promise I won't move.

LMM: Mr Green I said HOLD STILL PLEASE!!!!...............Now we have to start all over again.

Mr Green: I'm sorry but that is the worst pain that I have even felt in my life. Giving birth wouldn't be as painful!

LMM: Last try now otherwise you'll just have to go home and your leg will turn gangrenous and fall off (I love embellishing to patients)

Mr Green: Dear God please help this doctor in putting this needle in my hand. Please guide her in her ability to not hurt me and get it right.


Now I have heard it all! How about this rather....

Mr Green: Dear God, please help me to hold still for this amazing doctor, who is so tired. Help me to stop being a wimp and help me to see that this minor pain can in no way be compared to pushing a human through your va-jay-jay!



LMM

xoxo

Retards

Some people are just plain retarded. I'm not sure if they were born this way, or if they have taken too many drugs.......

Today we got this email:


"Hello. I am 5ft 3 inches tall and would like to increase my height by 5 inches, in the shortest time possible. Will a consultation with a GP help me solve my problem?"


NO! You dumbass! Unless we can perform miraculous limb lengthening surgery in your 15 minute time slot. Go back to reading your comics.


Hope a retard does not inflict their retardedness on you today!


LMM

xoxo

Meet Mr R

Today I had the pleasure/misfortune of meeting Mr R.......

Before he came in for his consultation I had browsed his file. He had been in 6 times in the last 7 months, always with the same complaint.

He was obsessed with herpes. Sounds strange enough for this clinic.

He was convinced that he had herpes anythime a random bump popped up anywhere.

TUTORIAL ON HERPES:

For those of you who don't know....and Mr R you should really pay attention here.
There are two types of the herpes virus. Herpes Simplex 1 and 2. 1 is mainly the oral type (cold sores) and 2 being mostly the genital type. It is spread by body fluids.

     

source

Now Mr R is convinced that he has caught herpes on the tube, after holding onto the rail, or after shaking someone's hand. This would only happen if someone had licked their fingers or shoved them you know where and then touched him AND he needs to have broken skin.

This paranoia has driven him to compulsively hand wash. He washes his hands over 20 times a day, convinced that there are germs on them. He now has extremely dry hands that have cracked. So the cycle continues.....he thinks he will definitely get herpes now with cracked skin....washes his hands more....etc etc.

He has come in today because he has a tiny red bump on his hand.

LMM: Hello. I am LMM, how can I help you?

Mr R: Hello. I am sure you have seen from my file that I have been here a lot before. I know I have a problem but I think I may REALLY have herpes this time.

LMM: And what makes you think you have herpes?

Mr R: I have this bump on my hand and my hand is red.

LMM: Let's have a look at your hands then.

At this point knowing his paranoia, I get the alcohol gel and larder a huge amount onto my hands.

Mr R: I don't mean to be rude, but do you mind wearing gloves?

LMM: No, not at all. I completely understand.

Slightly miffed, I put on gloves.

LMM: It looks like you have a mild contact eczema on your hands. It is probably due to excessive handwashing.

Mr R: But on the internet..........

Oh FUCK! I hate the fucking internet. If you think the internet is right, then pay the 12 year old who has written random facts online for the consultation.....ARGH!!!! If you googled anything it would come up as cancer, HIV, DEATH so don't do it.....or go to a proper website.

Mr R: .............they said that excema can lead to herpes and cause herpetic eczema.

LMM: That looks completely different to what you have Mr R. You have an area of dry skin and a small area of redness with one TINY papule. It is not herpes.

Mr R: I would still like to have the swab for herpes.

LMM: I can take the swab, although I don't advise it.

Mr R: I want the swab.

LMM: OK.

I begin to swab the small affected areas.

Mr R: Don't forget about this spot over here.

LMM: OK.

Mr R: And this one here.

LMM: OK

Mr R: And what about this area?

LMM: I think we have all we need.

Mr R: Can you prick that bump with a needle to get a better swab?

LMM: No I don't think that is a good idea.

Mr R: Please do it. I won't be able to sleep otherwise.....PLEASE!

LMM: OK OK.

Mr R: Is that needle clean?

Oh for heaven's sake!

LMM: Yes!

Eventually, swab taken, paperwork completed, Mr R leaves and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. My annoying patient for the day is done and usually there is only one, until.......................................

(Brrrrrring brrrring....phone ringing)

LMM: Hello?

Receptionist: Hi, remember Mr R from this morning?

LMM: Yes.....

Receptionist: He's on the other line and wants to speak to you.

LMM: OK put him through.........(Mother of pearl what does he want now?)


LMM: Hello Mr R, how can I help you?

Mr R: I am sorry to bother you LMM, but since I left your office I have been very anxious about something. I cannot stop thinking about it.

LMM: Mr R I have explained to you alreay that the likelihood of you having herpes is extremely low and you need to be reassured that you don't have herpes......

Mr R: No it's not that.

LMM: Well what is it?

Mr R: Well....um....no I cannot say......

LMM: Tell me. Maybe I can help with your anxiety.

Mr R: I was just wondering....no it's too rude.

LMM: Mr R, if you don't tell me what is concerning you, then I can't help you.

Mr R: I just wanted to know, do you think there is a chance.....excuse my rudeness......that some of your saliva could have dropped on the glove and then you touched my hands?

Yes I am known to drool on patients!

LMM: No I don't think that could've happened.

Mr R: But if it did and you had herpes and my skin was broken.......

Now I have discuss my own sexual health with a patient.

LMM: That is extremely unlikey and Mr R, if you must know, I don't not have herpes.

Mr R: 1 or 2?

LMM: I don't have either. Now you will have to wait for the results to come back, but I don't want you to worry anymore.

Mr R: I am sorry for being so rude. I really shouldn't have said that.

LMM: No its alright. I do understand where you are coming from (and I really did mean that)

Mr R: It's extremely rude. this has driven me mad. I can't even play with my own son, even though I know he doesn't have herpes (at this point he starts to cry)

LMM: Mr R it is understandable that you feel this way. You need to continue with your counselling and if you have any other questions, feel free to call me.


Mr R had initially irritated me beyond belief, but then my heart melted when he spoke about his son and I couldn't imagine anything worse than having an irrational preoccupation with something.

Hopefully I won't see him again.....but I know that is unlikely.

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LMM

xoxo

Return of..........

You will never guess who came back to the A+E the other night............


Cinnamon........


AKA........

Cyclops Girl

If you don't know who she is, quick recap here for her first visit.


I wasn't the lucky/unfortunate doctor who got to see her this time, but I immediately rushed to get the lowdown from my colleague.

It was the same story. Severe headache behind the right eye although this time her weapon of choice was a knife. She had sliced the right side of her face open. I could not believe it.......

She was admitted and referred to Psych and Neuro. I really hope she gets help.......


LMM

xoxo

Dukan Diet Day 4 and Patient X

Today The ATTACK PHASE is over....whoop whoop!
This means that I get to add vegetables.........not potatoes though :(

Phase 2 - Cruise Phase

This is where you are supposed to continue losing weight at a steady pace. My cruise phase is going to last 28 days (depends on how much weight you have to lose). In this phase you alternate between protein only days and protein + veg days. I have chosen to do a ratio on 1:1, alternating the days as 5:5 would kill me.

So far I have lost 2 kgs and am excited to see how the next phase goes. This means that no carbs will touch my lips for 31 days...................ok, except my little sushi cheat.

Enough about the diet........



The other day I had a sixty-something year old man come to see me. He wanted STD testing....surprise, surprise! I waited for him to begin his ramble of how he did something stupid and it only happened once and he has been ridden with guilt......blah BLAH BLAH!

But he didn't..........

Patient X: I travelled to Hong Kong recently and at my hotel I went for a massage.

LMM: Yes.... (massage seems to be the euphimistic term for getting it on)

Patient X: I had only booked a back massage and suddenly during the massage, the woman licked her fingers and inserted them into my anus.

LMM:.......gasp......(jaw drops to floor)

Patient X: I was so shocked at the time and immediately left. I have been worrying about it constantly since then and if they do this kind of thing, they must surely do other things. This led me to think that I might have contracted an STD.

LMM: The risk is low, but it definitely is a possibility. I would suggest testing.

Patient X: Is this a common practice? Am I so out of the loop that I misunderstood what a massage means?

LMM: No, not at all. But some of these institutions cater for other things as well and being Asia, they obviously assumed a man having a massage on his own, would want that.

Patient X: Well I felt violated and was horrifed!

LMM: I understand.................................

5 minutes later he was on his way, anus swabbed, and feeling better. His results came back clear and he would definitey think twice about getting a massage in the future.

Shame...poor guy..........


LMM


xoxo

Patient Crush

People always ask me if I've ever thought a patient is hot, and would I date one. Listen people........this is not Grey's Anatomy. We don't marry patients, ala-Izzy-Stevens-style, and patients usually see you for a problem, which means they are either bleeding, smelly, old or dying. So....to answer the question ...NO!

Until one day.......when I had my first patient crush.

Patient HOT! arrived for a consultation, complaining of small lumps on his torso. Sounds simple enough until......


LMM: Hello I am LMM. How can I help you?

Patient HOT!: Hi, I have this problem with these small lumps that have been developing on my chest.

LMM: OK, let's have a look. Please come over to the examination bed.

Patient HOT!: Sorry if I am a bit sweaty, I ran over here as I was a bit late.

LMM: (giggles)....No problem

(INSERT: Patient HOT! is well, HOT. He is in his late twenties, rides a motorbike - he had a helmet with him- and has the body of a Greek Adonis)

LMM: Do you mind removing your shirt so I can examine you?

(He strips off his shirt to reveal washboard abs and ripped biceps)

Patient HOT!: The lumps are here.........

(He takes my hand and pushes them onto his 8-pack. I can hardly feel anything. I am dizzy. I am now the one sweating)

LMM: Um......Ok......right......

Patient HOT!: Are you OK?

LMM: Yes....um........they seem to be normal lipomas. Small deposits of fat which are completely normal, but you can have them removed if you want.

Patient HOT!: I think I would like to have them removed as they don't look great for my sport.

LMM: And what sport is that?

Patient HOT!: I do Muay Thai competitively and I've noticed that these lumps keep getting bigger.

(He fights. He would fight for me....and protect me....SWOON!)

LMM: Why of course. I can see how it would affect your performance. I can refer you to a surgeon.

Patient HOT!: Great, thank you so much

LMM: Here is your referral. Thank you and good luck.

Patient HOT!: Thanks, Bye

(He leaves the office.)

LMM: Call me!


I spent the rest of the day in a woozy delight. I had a smile on my face and went home that evening and excitedly told The Boyf all about my very first patient crush.

So, YES it does happen. But not often!




LMM

xoxo

Shrinky Winky

What happens if you have a patient who complains of STD symptoms and when you begin to examine him you can't find his.......................





Wot-wot




toot





shrinky winky





It happens.................




Especially when said patient is well over sixty with grey short and curlies, but yet still gets it on when he has an "oriental massage"...........stranger things have happened :)




LMM

xoxo

Cyclops Girl

Days spent in the A+E can be rather tedious and boring. In fact, sometimes it is nothing more than a GP practice with snotty noses, rashes and neurotic mothers. But sometimes you get to see something really interesting. I am not so interested in the medical rareties but rather in the fascinating characters that one comes across.

Enter Cyclops Girl.

Before I call the patient in, I read the file.....

Presenting complaint:   Hit eye on pole, very painful.


Yes, I am sure that would be painful, very astute observation by the nurse! I walk to the waiting room and call the patient......

LMM: Cinnamon..............Cinnamon X

(I am not shitting you, that was her name!)

Cyclops Girl: Hi

LMM: Please follow me. Now tell me what happened to your eye.

(Let me interject and describe Cyclops Girl. She was neatly dressed and everything appeared normal except her GIGANTIC swollen right eye. There was a huge haematoma under her right eye, basically like a sac of blood, which squashed her eye shut so she could barely see.)

CG: So I get these cluster headaches and I got one at 2am this morning.......

(Not sure what this has to do with the grotesque eye she has)

CG: The headache was so bad that I hit my head against a pillar with screws in it....

LMM: What? You did this to yourself?

CG: Yes, its a common phenomenon in people with cluster headaches.

LMM: Yes of course it is. (I have never heard of this in my life and it sounds psycho!)

CG: And now my eye....well...it looks like this.

I could not comprehend how someone could do this much damage to themselves?

LMM: Did you not feel what you were doing?

CG: No. It actually helped a bit.

LMM: We need to get an xray to make sure the orbit isn't fractured and maybe ring Opthalmology...OK


I send her off to Xray and look up her old notes on the computer. She has been to A+E 4 times in the last month, always with the same problem, always the right eye, although this time it looks like the damage is worse. I page opthalmology and tell them the situation.

Opthalmology: Hang on.....She has this large haematoma........... that was self inflicted?

LMM: Yes

Opthalmology: Is she a psycho?

LMM: No. She appears quite normal.

Opthalmology: Sorry not interested.


The patient returns and luckily her xrays are fine. I explain to her that the swelling will go down and prescribe her some eyedrops.

CG: But what am I supposed to tell the people at work? This is the 4th black eye in one month.

(Maybe you should've thought about this before you kept hitting your head against the wall/pole/pillar)



LMM

xoxo

Day 2 with George

I arrive at work to find a distinctive whiff in the room. It is the smell of dead rodent. Has George died? As the day progresses the whiff turns into an aroma and by lunchtime it is a medium spicy stench. George has definitely kicked the bucket somewhere, the only question is where? I proceed to look behind boxes, under cupboards and anywhere else the tiny thing may have taken its last breath.

Eventually I give up and carry on looking at pics on facebook......

SUDDENLY I see something out of the corner of my eye. Sure enough there is George.

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But George doesn't look too hot today and is slowly ambling along, whereas yesterday he was rapidly scurrying. Who knows how long he has been in here with no food or water. This is my chance to catch him and get him out! He looks like he is stumbling a bit as he makes his way towards me. Shame, he looks so tired and hungry. I give him some of my sandwich and he gobbles it up. I don't know how that is helping the situation? If I feed him he will continue to traumatise me and my patients, if I don't he will die.

Time to call for back-up. Our permanent receptionist has returned and she has no time for rodents. I call her to come and help me. I point out George who is in the middle of the room, unprotected, having not moved in 10 minutes. She pulls out a rolled up newspaper, which is meant to be used as a weapon. I plead with her not to kill him. George is a bit gross, but he's still alive and I would hate to see him demise at the hands of a copy of the Metro. I persuade her to catch him and put him into the street. She easily traps him under a container and I get a good look at him. He's got cute little whiskers and his nose is twitching. I go to open the front door, only to bump into a patient who is trying to come inside. He looks at me and then at the receptionist and then he peers down at George in his little container. Great marketing for the practice! The patient turns around and walks off. Oh well! We hurry down the stairs to finally release George back into The Wild. I put the container on the ground and he rushes of down the street.

So long George! Please don't come back...........EVER!


LMM

xoxo

George the Mouse

Day 1

I spend 2 days a week in a private practice.

I am busy seeing Patient 1.

Patient 1 sees mouse running next to wall.

Patient 1 tells me about mouse.

I scream.

Patient 1 laughs.

I am embarrassed. For screaming and because there is a mouse in the room.

Patient 1 leaves.

I stand on chair and scan room for mouse.

I see mouse.

I chase mouse and he runs behind boxes. Damn.

30 min later.

I see mouse coming towards me and stand on my chair again.

Patient 2 walks into room.

I apologise for standing on chair and make a random excuse as to why I am standing on chair.

Patient 2 seems skeptical of my medical knowledge.

Patient 2 leaves.

Call receptionist to help me with mouse.

Receptionist is scared too.

Mouse is only about 5cm long, really tiny, but still really scary.

I name him George.

He is cute. but only from far away.

Spend rest of day with legs tucked onto chair.

6pm and time to go home.

As I pick up my bag, George runs from under bag. I scream again.

Will George be there tomorrow?



LMM


xoxo

Barney and Friends.......

I don't know what it is with me and drunk people. They seem to gravitate towards me.

Weekend night. In the A+E. My new patient is Barney. Barney has had a ridiculous amount to drink and somehow has been decked in one eye and remembers NOTHING! No surprises there.

I walk over to where he is sitting and quickly glance over my new patient. 1 x blue, swollen eye. 1 x cut on back of head (probably when he fell over after being punched) and 1 x vomit smeared down left side of face.
AWESOME!

LMM: So Barney, what happened?

B: I dunno.

LMM: You don't remember anything?

B: Nope!

LMM: Did someone perhaps punch you?

B: Yeah! I fink so (great London accent)

LMM: So you were drinking and then someone punched you and you don't know what happened after that?

B: Yeah

LMM: Do you take any medication?

At this stage he pulls out a Tesco's packet with all his meds inside. I have no idea why he would be carrying this around with him, but who knows what Barney's P of A is. As he rifles in his plastic bag, he pulls out a book and holds it under his face so I can read the title, "Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Programme". It is almost as if he is posing for a photo.

LMM: So how is that going for you Barney?

B: OK, I guess.

LMM: Well it seems that you may have fallen off the proverbial "wagon".

B: Huh?

This could be perfect for a "How not to be a member of the AA" advert.

1. Do not drink and then get the crap kicked out of you.

2. If you do drink, do not leave vomit dribbling from your mouth.

3. If you are found drunk, do not reveal secret AA identity and under no circumstances are you to show anyone your AA book.

So I guess Barney failed on all three points.


LMM

xoxo

Drunks

The one thing that could be vaguely worse than an old, urine drenched Granny is a drunk.

I have been exposed to many drunk patients....from the Cape Coloured Bergie to the Panga Wielding Zulu, but last night I got to experience the Footie Hooligan's Wife. No one can be quite as crass or disgusting as her.

The paramedics bought in the lovely couple after they were kicked out of the pub. They had somehow both fallen over and now had head injuries. I could hear them arrive in the A+E before I saw them.

Each one was in their own wheelcair, being escorted by a paramedic. You could tell from a quick glance that there was nothing seriously wrong with either of them. They were wheeled out into the waiting room, as they had been deemed non-urgent and could wait out there with everyone else.

Hooligan's Wife: Where are you taking me?

Paramedic: To the waiting room. You can stay there until it's your turn to be seen.

HW: But I can't go out there! I'm sick!

PM: Not sick enough according to them.

HW: I am sick! I've got cancer.

Cancer, now that was one that I hadn't heard before.

As they moved closer to the waiting room, I couldn't hear what they were saying but then I heard a loud, barely distinguishable wail......

HW: Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnccccccccccccceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I turned to my colleagues...

LMM: Last one to put their thumb on their forehead gets Mrs Rooney

My thumb hit my forehead so quick, you couldn't even say Rooney in time.


LMM

xoxo