Awkward...

It is not uncommon knowledge that I hate medical students. I despise them like a gardener despises weeds. I literally cannot stand the sight of them.

I do realise that I once was this waste of space that is a medical student, but when you have a lot of shit to do, they really do not provide any reprieve and only seem to create more chaos. They will invariably fuck up whatever you ask them to do!

At the moment I have 3 sixth year medical students working with me, who have meager IQs. Not only are they ridiculously stupid, but they are also extremely lazy, with an astonishing lack of recognising social queues. Let give you an example...

Retard Med Student 1: Wasn't there something you wanted to ask Little Miss Medic? *she says to Retard Med Student 2*

Little Miss Medic: What is it?

Retard Med Student 2: Well, everytime I have sex my vagina hurts afterwards.

*OMFG! I do not have time for this shit! I thought she was going to ask me some dumbass medical question. Fuck it! Now I have to put on my white hat, aka Olivia Pope style*

LMM: Um...well... I'm not sure why that happens...It could maybe be due to a urinary tract infection. Does it happen all the time?

RMS2: I had sex last night *euw* and yip, it happened.

LMM: Well I'm not quite sure what the cause is...Um...Mrs X in ward 6 asked to speak to me, so I must run. Toodles. *fuckers*


Why me? Why do I have to get the retarded ones and the slutty ones?

LMM

xoxo

Sigh...

I realised that I am NEVER going to stop being surprised at how stupid some people are.


Little Miss Medic: So what was the reson for your previous caesarean section?

Miss Pregnant: I was pregnant.

LMM: Yes, I gathered that. But why did you have a caesar?

MP: I was giving birth.

LMM: But WHY did you have the operation? They don't just do caesars on everyone. Was there something wrong with the baby? Were you in labour too long? Anything?

MP:  Oh. I think the baby made a poop inside of me.

*this is a very common answer, not shitting you*


LMM

xoxo

Ablutions

Mondays seem to be the bane of my life! It was the gynae clinic again today, and after last week, I didn't think I had the strength to get through it.


Little Miss Medic: Hello Mrs Nincompoop. How can I help you today?

Mrs Nincompoop: I have a problem with my lady bits.

LMM: Well, this is the gynae clinic, so you've come to the right place. What seems to be the problem?

MN: I have sewerage.

LMM: I don't understand. Sewerage?

MN: Yes, sewerage. Its coming out my koek.

LMM: You have a vaginal discharge?

NM: Yes, like I said, sewerage.

LMM: OK. What colour is it?

NM: The colour of sewerage

*Crisis! We were getting nowhere!*

LMM: Can you go and lie on the bed so that I can examine you? Please remove your skirt and panties.

*After a good ten minutes, I draw back the curtain and find Mrs Nincompoop still in her underwear. This is a common finding, strangely enough*

LMM: Mrs Nincompoop, I need you to take off your panties.

NM: Why?

LMM: So that I can examine you and take a swab of the discharge.

NM: Are you going to put the swab inside MY vagina?

LMM: Well I am certainly not going to put it in mine!


*sigh*



LMM

xoxo

Husband drinks wife's breastmilk minutes after baby is born...

Some people are simple. Some people are ugly. And some people are just plain fucking stupid!


Enter simple, ugly, stupid fucker. His wife has just had a baby. their first child. As the small family sit together, I am on the other side of the curtain with another patient and this is what I hear.

Simple-Ugly-Stupid-Fucker: No man, why doesn't he wanna drink yo milk?

Proud Mother: I don't know, maybe he's still tired from the delivery.

SUSF: *in baby voice* drink my boy, it's yummy milk. I promise!

Proud Mother: Just let him be!

SUSF: No man, he must drink. I'll show him.

*Enter lip smacking noises followed by SUSF running to sink to retch*

SUSF: Sies man! That is disgusting!

My patient: *turns to me and whispers* Did that man just drink his wife's breast milk?

LMM: *whispers back* I think so.

*We both have to suppress the urge to wet ourselves whilst giggling silently*

                                                                             source

Some people!!!!


LMM

xoxo

Freaky Patients

Thought I'd do a recap of some of this week's pearler patients.

I started the week off being very upbeat and excited about being back at work.

LMM:  Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?

Patient 1: Well...I...um...did a stupid thing...and I don't want my wife to know.....and.....um...I wanna test for...um....STDs.

LMM:  OK, when did you last have unprotected sex?

Patient 1: On Monday with.....um.....a prostitute.....in Thailand.......in a bar......and then on.....Tuesday.....with a Ladyboy.
(Ok the ladyboy thing isn't true, but makes for a nice twist.)

                                  ---------------------------------------------------------------------

LMM:  Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?

Patient 2:  So yeah, I was in like, um, Soho and had a bit of a rag and I wanna get tested. (Imagine the American accent)

LMM: What is a rag? And what would you like to test for? We offer a range of tests......HIV, Hepatitis B and C, Herpes, Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea, Syphillis, HPV.

Patient 2: Yeah, I'll do the whole lot I guess.

                                  ----------------------------------------------------------------------

LMM:  Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?

Patient 3:  I would like to test for HIV.

LMM:  OK. I just need to drop of blood to do the test. I'm going to prick your finger with this needle.

Patient 3:  Is that a clean needle?

LMM:  Yes

Patient 3: Can you open another one so I can make sure its new?

LMM:  Sure.

Patient 3:  Is that a new needle?

LMM: Yes, I just opened it in front of you.

Patient 3: Ok ok. Can you just open one more? So I'm sure......
                           
                                      -----------------------------------------------------------------


LMM: Hello, I am Little Miss Medic. How can I help you today?


Patient 4:  I have a sore foreskin.




STOP!

I cannot take it anymore, all this sleeping around and having to mop up your STD mess. Use a condom for heaven's sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!


ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Now I feel like this.......

LMM

xoxo