The crazies out there

I have been SO busy lately, apologies for the lack in posts.

This morning I was listening to Gareth Cliff talk about this woman in Australia who knits with her vagina. Initially I thought she actually knitted with her vagina, but she just "stores" the wool there and yanks it out as she knits. Strange thing to one day ask, "I wonder if I can stick a yarn of wool in my vajayjay and knit with it." The Ping Pong exhibitionists in Bangkok are certainly not getting a run for their money out of this Aussie. I have personally seen someone keep an egg inside them for an entire show only to end with a clench that releases a yolk...

I think she just wanted people to not fear The Vulva, as she aptly puts it. How about just getting a Brazilian and some sexy lingerie? Not sure who would want to wear that scarf she's knitting, especially the "period" section, but hey, each to their own!


LMM

Xoxo

Vajazzling

Definition: to give female genitals a sparkly makeover with crystals, so as to enhance their appearance.

Note: don't read this if you are a ninny!


I thought vajazzling would not have lasted post-2010. Unfortunately it has. What a fucking stupid idea. Sticking/glueing/bonding gem like gadgets onto your parts!

Firstly, it involves meticulous grooming, which most people don't have time for, otherwise it will be like The Hunt For The Red Sparkle amidst the Amazon jungle.

Secondly, anything that involves attaching things onto your sensitive areas with a form of glue, sounds like a funny story for the casualty doctor who sees you once you can't get them off, or have second degree burns on your flower.

Thirdly. How can this be at all attractive to a male. It's sparkly for exactly 0.02 nanoseconds and then it just becomes something that causes a friction rub.

                                                                     source


That being said, a patient with a vajazzle, would sure beat someone with warts, an offensive discharge or the good old clap.



LMM

xoxo

Ablutions

Mondays seem to be the bane of my life! It was the gynae clinic again today, and after last week, I didn't think I had the strength to get through it.


Little Miss Medic: Hello Mrs Nincompoop. How can I help you today?

Mrs Nincompoop: I have a problem with my lady bits.

LMM: Well, this is the gynae clinic, so you've come to the right place. What seems to be the problem?

MN: I have sewerage.

LMM: I don't understand. Sewerage?

MN: Yes, sewerage. Its coming out my koek.

LMM: You have a vaginal discharge?

NM: Yes, like I said, sewerage.

LMM: OK. What colour is it?

NM: The colour of sewerage

*Crisis! We were getting nowhere!*

LMM: Can you go and lie on the bed so that I can examine you? Please remove your skirt and panties.

*After a good ten minutes, I draw back the curtain and find Mrs Nincompoop still in her underwear. This is a common finding, strangely enough*

LMM: Mrs Nincompoop, I need you to take off your panties.

NM: Why?

LMM: So that I can examine you and take a swab of the discharge.

NM: Are you going to put the swab inside MY vagina?

LMM: Well I am certainly not going to put it in mine!


*sigh*



LMM

xoxo

Mrs Butternut

Today was the dreaded gynae clinic. By far my least favourite afternoon of the week.

Enter Mrs Butternut, a 84 your old lady with Alzheimer's.


Little Miss Medic: How can I help you today Mrs Butternut?

Mrs Butternut: Well, I have this thingy that has been coming out my vagina. And I need some cream for it.

LMM: What exactly has been coming out?

MB: I'm not sure.

LMM: How long has it been there?

MB: 20 years. But it doesn't worry me, I just need some cream as it gets a bit dry.

LMM: OK, well let's take a look and then we can see what needs to be done.

*Mrs Butternut gets undressed behind the curtain. As I remove the sheet to examine her, I see...

                                                                             source

Yip! A huge, fucking butternut-sized mass hanging out her vagina *


LMM: Mrs Butternut, you can not possibly have been walking around with that hanging out for 20 years.

MB: I have. It doesn't bother me. Like I said, I just need some cream.

LMM: This is ridiculous, your whole vagina is on the outside of your body. Hence why it is so dry. It honestly looks like a baby trying to come out. You can not go home like this. I'm going to insert a ring pessary, to hold it up.

MB: I don't need all these fancy things, just some cream.

LMM: Cream is not going to do anything. That's like having a one-legged man in an ass kicking competition.


Now if this story scares you, and you want to prevent a vaginal butternut from happening, don't forget your kegels Ladies!!!!

                                                                       source

And if all else fails, use some cream!


LMM

({})

xoxo

What I wanna be when I grow up...

When I go back to SA next year my dream is to start specialising in Obstetrics and Gynaecology, or as my friends call it......va-ja-jay doctor.

Now, there are many questions that us females have when faced with all things va-ja-jay.....

Like, should you groom prior to seeing your Gynae?

Is mine ugly?

Is it weird to go to a male Gynae?

etc.........

                                                                            source



First things first. Your gynae has seem many different va-ja-jays in their career and whether you shave, wax or trim beforehand, doesn't make much of a difference to them. A male gynae hopefully has a wife at home and is not in the least bit interested in you as you lie in the stirrups, so be as professional as they are and don't let it bother you. All va-ja-jays look different and YES, some are ugly, but the ugliest thing is definitely a diseased va-ja-jay. So girls, look after your flower and make sure you don't have an STDs, UTIs or other nasties.

To keep your va-ja-jay trim and healthy click here and here for some extra tips.


Any more questions?


LMM

xoxo

Names parents give..........

Whilst working in the Emergency department over the last 2 years, I have come across many children accompanied by their parents. Sometimes they have runny noses, sometimes they have a cough and SOMETIMES they have a genital problem. Now I know that the term penis or vagina might not be appropriate for a little squirts bits, but I have heard some shockers.....

"My daughter has a sore on her cookie....."

"My son's dick keeps getting hard..."  seriously? He is 4.....

"Little Maggie keeps scratching her flower..."

"Her ass is raw...."  No child has an ass, that would belong to the hooker down the street.

"Charlie's wot-wot is red."  His what?

"Oh I mean, Charlie's toot is red." His what?

I can handle willy and fanny, or even the correct biological terms, but please leave these silly names at home!


LMM

xoxo

Blonde Moments

Being blonde, I have spent most of my life being plagued by the infamous "blonde moment". I do tend to have a few, but as I have 'matured', they seem to be few and far between...except for today.........

I am locuming in a practice this week that does mainly travel vaccines and STD testing. Most of the patients are rich business men who want to come somewhere discreet to make sure their naughty night-time endeavours haven't left them infected.

Today I was doing an instant HIV test on someone. This involves doing a fingerprick test and using a drop of blood with a kit. As I was pricking his finger, I suddenly felt a sharp prick in my finger. I tried not to scream out in pain, as I quickly realised that I had inadvertently held the gadget the wrong way and punctured my own finger. I quickly told him that this one was faulty and got another one. I had to repeat it and try to hide the slowly growing red patch beneath my glove. I think I managed to disguise my little faux pas, but I felt like a right idiot. Not to mention that my finger is now throbbing!

Another gem of a story, and this one is rather embarrassing, was when I was a fourth year medical student doing my Obstetrics rotation. Seeing this was my first time rotating through this discipline, I basically knew NOTHING. One of the skills we had to learn was how to do a PV exam. PV stands for per vaginal, and involves doing a vaginal exam with your fingers. Sounds gross and it is gross.
One of the first exams I did was on a coloured woman in labour. I slipped on my gloves and prepared myself for what I was about to do. As I inserted my fingers, she suddenly screamed,

"Fok nee, dis die verkeerde gat!"

I had unintentionally done a PR (per rectum).........OOPS!

xoxo

Kegels

Yip it's that time again. Seemed that a lot of people loved my vajayjay post, so have decided to continue from there and teach you all how to do kegels exercises.

Kegels are pelvic floor exercises which you can do anywhere, anytime.

Make the most of being stuck in traffic, ad breaks during your favourite TV programme or even a boring work meeting.

A weakened pelvic floor can be due to having children, being overweight, the aging process and chronic constipation. Kegels can prevent or delay prolapse from occurring. Doing these exercises on a regular basis can also help women achieve orgasm.

How to do Kegels:

Step 1 - identify your pelvic floor muscles (the muscles that stop your stream of urine). See this to help remind you.

Step 2 - empty your bladder

Step 3 - lie down or sit

Step 4 - contract vajayjay muscles for 5 seconds

Step 5 - relax for 5 seconds

Step 6 - repeat 5 times

Step 7 - do this 3 times a day

DO NOT hold your breath, clench your butt, or tighten your thighs whilst doing these!

You can work your way up to contracting for 10 seconds and doing them 10 times a day. Expect to see results in 8-12 weeks.

TA DA! You will then look like this......

xoxo

So I'm starting a new thing, with having tips on Tuesdays. If you have any suggestions of stuff, let me know!
I thought I'd start with a tip that many of you have heard before, but that few actually do, myself included.

The Va-Ja-Jay Exercise:

Step 1 - when you are sitting on the loo having a tinkle, remember this tip!
Step 2 - mid-tinkle, stop tinkling (if this makes sense)
Step 3 - hold count for 5 seconds
Step 4 - resume tinkling
AND THAT'S IT!

This will ensure that when you are 40, have had 3 children and are marginally overweight, your beloved vajajay will not be dragging on the pavement behind you. No-one wants to walk around with their bladder, rectum or precious vajajay hanging out for the world to see. This also prevents incontinence. So, next time you hear a funny story and have a giggle, you won't wet your pants. Or when you sneeze, urine won't be dribbling out behind you.

Do it!

xoxo