Retards

Some people are just plain retarded. I'm not sure if they were born this way, or if they have taken too many drugs.......

Today we got this email:


"Hello. I am 5ft 3 inches tall and would like to increase my height by 5 inches, in the shortest time possible. Will a consultation with a GP help me solve my problem?"


NO! You dumbass! Unless we can perform miraculous limb lengthening surgery in your 15 minute time slot. Go back to reading your comics.


Hope a retard does not inflict their retardedness on you today!


LMM

xoxo

LMM gets boozed

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Last night I went out for dinner to celebrate a friend's 30th birthday. It was a casual dinner with a few glasses of red wine, but I had forgotten what a lightweight I had become in the last year. I don't drink often anymore and if I do, it is usually only a glass or two of wine or a G&T.

Thinking back on the evening, I don't recall behaving badly, though if I think really hard, I may have been a tad loud and interrupted a few conversations. I arrived home from the evening to find The Boyf happily engrossed in the cricket. I decided to shower and go to bed as I had an early start the next day. Our shower is of the shower-over-bath variety and has a fold up glass partition that opens up to prevent drenching the entire floor. I couldn't for the life of me get it to open up. I pulled and yanked but it would not open. I shrieked for the Boyf to help me, but he refused saying I was drunk and should just go to sleep. I continued huffing and puffing whilst trying to figure out what was wrong with the damn door. Evetually I grabbed it from the other side and it miracously opened. It might have not been stuck and I may have been grabbing it from the wrong side the whole time. I eventually climbed into bed, clean and tired, but had completely forgotten the obligatory glass of water and painkillers before bed, this ritual had saved me on many occasions.

I woke up at 6am with a dry mouth that tasted like urinated on cotton wool and a slight pounding in my temples, which would only get worse as the day progressed. I went to the kitchen and immediately downed a can of coke light for breakfast. Next I had to make myself presentable for work. After examining myself in the mirror I could see the telltale signs that I had indeed been inebriated. Mascara was congealed in the corners of my eyes, something I always religiously remove before bed. My lower lip was stained purple as were my teeth. GREAT! I know from experience that no matter how hard you try and rub your lips, that won't come off for the next 24 hours. I would have to proceed through the day with a violet, round blob on my lip! I tried to brush my lip with my electric toothbrush with no success. I now had a red/purple painful lip.

Eventually, ready to go, I left home for the tube station. There was only one thing that would get me through the day and that was Gaga.......


"He ate my heart, he ate my heart. He ate my heart and then he ate my brain......."

That is exactly how I feel right now......

LMM

xoxo

Amy Jade Winehouse

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The shocking news that Amy Winehouse was found dead in her Camden house on Saturday afternoon, has left me feeling pity and sadness for the 27 year old star. Rumours have emerged that she had been seen buying ectasy on Friday night and that a possible OD or "bad" tablet could've been the cause of death.

Amy was born in September 1983 to mother Janis and father Mitch. She attended the Sylvia Young Theatre School, but was asked to leave due to her attitude. Her first album Frank, went triple platinum and her second album, Back to Black won 5 Grammy Awards. Her most famous song, Rehab, is said to have been written a few hours after manager Simon Fuller urged her to go to rehab. In 2007 she married Blake Fielder-Civil and the marriage was one filled with alcohol, booze and fighting. She had a near fatal OD months after tying the knot and the marriage ended in divorce in 2010. Blake is currently in prison serving a burglary sentence and Amy always described him as the only person that really understood her.

Her current on-off boyfriend, film director Reg Traviss has described Winehouse as "inconsolable" at times. In the last few weeks of her life, she was using heroin, crack and cocaine heavily and the rest of her tour was cancelled after a inebriated performance in Belgrade, in which the crowd sang most of the songs as Amy stumbled around on stage. Her last appearance was on Wednesday at the iTunes festival where she was on stage with protege and goddaughter Dionne Bromfield.

Doctors had warned Winehouse of the disasterous effects her lifestyle would cause. She had emphysema already and would die if she didn't stop drinking and using soon.

As fans mourn the loss of great star, her Back to Black album has gone to number 1 on iTunes, knocking Adele's 21 album off the top.

She was a tormented soul but produced the most brilliant music and fans all around are hoping that the third album, which she had been working on for the past 5 years will be released posthumously.

This is how I will always remember her.......

Amy Jade Winehouse
14 September 1983 - 23 July 2011
RIP



LMM
xoxo

Win a ghd with StyleScoop

You can win one of 3 fabulous new Iconic Eras ghd Stylers. All you have to do is go to this website and either blog about the competition or LIKE their pages on facebook, here and here.

I am so holding thumbs for this one. I heart my ghd, but it has travelled a very long road with me and I fear if I drop it one more time, its days will be over. Trading my ancient version in for this new sleek ghd worth R2280.00 sounds like a plan.

So get clicking and enter!


LMM

xoxo

The Long Song by Andrea Levy

Andrea Levy's latest book, The Long Song won the Walter Scott Prize for Historical Fiction 2011 and was shortlisted for The Man Booker Prize 2010.

Set in Jamaica on a sugarcane plantation in the early 1800s, when slavery was rife, this story is narrated by July. She was born to slave Kitty after a harrowing rape by the plantation's overseer. She tells her story as an elderly woman, encouraged by her publisher son, Thomas.

July's life has been set in stone. She is to be a farm slave, as her Mother and Grandmother have been, until one fateful day, Caroline Mortimer, snatches her away to become a house slave, a lady's maid. She is now renamed "Marguerite" and her life is forever changed. The story follows a course of love, betrayal, loyality and isolation. On the 31st of July 1938, slavery is abolished and July's future suddenly changes course.

I don't want to give away too much, but it really is a wonderful read and without sounding too morbid, I really do find stories about slavery fascinating.

Hope you get to read this one...it's a keeper!

LMM

xoxo

Mr Anonymous

Yesterday I saw a patient. He gave his name as............

Yip! None other than Fred Flinstone.

Seriously? Is that supposed to be funny? Come up with a good fake name.

I have also seen......

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Mr T, who ended up being a gray, 60-year old man and.......

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Mickey Mouse and one of my favourite patients, was his GF

Read about her here...........


Gotta love these weirdos!


LMM

xoxo

Meet Mr R

Today I had the pleasure/misfortune of meeting Mr R.......

Before he came in for his consultation I had browsed his file. He had been in 6 times in the last 7 months, always with the same complaint.

He was obsessed with herpes. Sounds strange enough for this clinic.

He was convinced that he had herpes anythime a random bump popped up anywhere.

TUTORIAL ON HERPES:

For those of you who don't know....and Mr R you should really pay attention here.
There are two types of the herpes virus. Herpes Simplex 1 and 2. 1 is mainly the oral type (cold sores) and 2 being mostly the genital type. It is spread by body fluids.

     

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Now Mr R is convinced that he has caught herpes on the tube, after holding onto the rail, or after shaking someone's hand. This would only happen if someone had licked their fingers or shoved them you know where and then touched him AND he needs to have broken skin.

This paranoia has driven him to compulsively hand wash. He washes his hands over 20 times a day, convinced that there are germs on them. He now has extremely dry hands that have cracked. So the cycle continues.....he thinks he will definitely get herpes now with cracked skin....washes his hands more....etc etc.

He has come in today because he has a tiny red bump on his hand.

LMM: Hello. I am LMM, how can I help you?

Mr R: Hello. I am sure you have seen from my file that I have been here a lot before. I know I have a problem but I think I may REALLY have herpes this time.

LMM: And what makes you think you have herpes?

Mr R: I have this bump on my hand and my hand is red.

LMM: Let's have a look at your hands then.

At this point knowing his paranoia, I get the alcohol gel and larder a huge amount onto my hands.

Mr R: I don't mean to be rude, but do you mind wearing gloves?

LMM: No, not at all. I completely understand.

Slightly miffed, I put on gloves.

LMM: It looks like you have a mild contact eczema on your hands. It is probably due to excessive handwashing.

Mr R: But on the internet..........

Oh FUCK! I hate the fucking internet. If you think the internet is right, then pay the 12 year old who has written random facts online for the consultation.....ARGH!!!! If you googled anything it would come up as cancer, HIV, DEATH so don't do it.....or go to a proper website.

Mr R: .............they said that excema can lead to herpes and cause herpetic eczema.

LMM: That looks completely different to what you have Mr R. You have an area of dry skin and a small area of redness with one TINY papule. It is not herpes.

Mr R: I would still like to have the swab for herpes.

LMM: I can take the swab, although I don't advise it.

Mr R: I want the swab.

LMM: OK.

I begin to swab the small affected areas.

Mr R: Don't forget about this spot over here.

LMM: OK.

Mr R: And this one here.

LMM: OK

Mr R: And what about this area?

LMM: I think we have all we need.

Mr R: Can you prick that bump with a needle to get a better swab?

LMM: No I don't think that is a good idea.

Mr R: Please do it. I won't be able to sleep otherwise.....PLEASE!

LMM: OK OK.

Mr R: Is that needle clean?

Oh for heaven's sake!

LMM: Yes!

Eventually, swab taken, paperwork completed, Mr R leaves and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. My annoying patient for the day is done and usually there is only one, until.......................................

(Brrrrrring brrrring....phone ringing)

LMM: Hello?

Receptionist: Hi, remember Mr R from this morning?

LMM: Yes.....

Receptionist: He's on the other line and wants to speak to you.

LMM: OK put him through.........(Mother of pearl what does he want now?)


LMM: Hello Mr R, how can I help you?

Mr R: I am sorry to bother you LMM, but since I left your office I have been very anxious about something. I cannot stop thinking about it.

LMM: Mr R I have explained to you alreay that the likelihood of you having herpes is extremely low and you need to be reassured that you don't have herpes......

Mr R: No it's not that.

LMM: Well what is it?

Mr R: Well....um....no I cannot say......

LMM: Tell me. Maybe I can help with your anxiety.

Mr R: I was just wondering....no it's too rude.

LMM: Mr R, if you don't tell me what is concerning you, then I can't help you.

Mr R: I just wanted to know, do you think there is a chance.....excuse my rudeness......that some of your saliva could have dropped on the glove and then you touched my hands?

Yes I am known to drool on patients!

LMM: No I don't think that could've happened.

Mr R: But if it did and you had herpes and my skin was broken.......

Now I have discuss my own sexual health with a patient.

LMM: That is extremely unlikey and Mr R, if you must know, I don't not have herpes.

Mr R: 1 or 2?

LMM: I don't have either. Now you will have to wait for the results to come back, but I don't want you to worry anymore.

Mr R: I am sorry for being so rude. I really shouldn't have said that.

LMM: No its alright. I do understand where you are coming from (and I really did mean that)

Mr R: It's extremely rude. this has driven me mad. I can't even play with my own son, even though I know he doesn't have herpes (at this point he starts to cry)

LMM: Mr R it is understandable that you feel this way. You need to continue with your counselling and if you have any other questions, feel free to call me.


Mr R had initially irritated me beyond belief, but then my heart melted when he spoke about his son and I couldn't imagine anything worse than having an irrational preoccupation with something.

Hopefully I won't see him again.....but I know that is unlikely.

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LMM

xoxo

Happy Birthday Madiba

Nelson Mandela turns 93 today and it is a day we should all celebrate. People have been asked to donate 67 minutes of their time to work in their local community, one minute for each year of Mandela's service.

I am finally back and back to work :(
Have loads of pics to post of my wonderful trip to Spain. I think I am in love with Spain. The people, the olives, the beaches, the buildings, the sangria, the language, the art and the best of all......The Paella.


LMM

xoxo

And the winner is.........

I was supposed to announce the winner of my fab giveaway yesterday but unfortunately it was shear chaos in our household and the internet decided to go AWOL!

The winner is Jacci, congrats and please get hold of me on email so I can post the pressies your way!

Rockwerchter was amazing, but I feel slightly scarred. I realise that I am too old to party till 5am 5 nights in a row, dance in the mud and then sleep in a rain soaked tent. I loved it but I can proudly say that that was my first and last music festival! On the 4th night I almost had a break down and demanded that The Boyf drive me back to London IMMEDIATELY! He obviously refused my request and watching Chris Martin rock on the stage that night a mere 10m from me, made it all worth it.

Today I am on my way to Spain for some fun in the sun for the next 10 days. I will try post as much as possible, but no promises! I will post pics soon.........honest :)


LMM

xoxo